


we don't have to be alone

by vivalagay



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: 13 yr old me was quite the emo, Alternate Universe, Barebacking, Heavy Angst, M/M, Not Beta Read, Rimming, TW: drug use, kihyuk is platonic btw, some parts of this story are sO dramatic, tw: alcohol abuse/alcoholism, tw: depictions of car crash, tw: self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-11
Updated: 2017-01-11
Packaged: 2018-09-15 23:54:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 32,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9264710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vivalagay/pseuds/vivalagay
Summary: in which hot chocolate, alcohol, and a list left by a dead friend brings two boys together





	

**Author's Note:**

> dude i've had major writer's block these past months so instead of doing my mock trial work i decided to rewrite this story from like 2 years ago into a kiho fic. it's why the songs are a little ??? old ??? i'm not even going to lie and say i proof read this lmao

The sunlight burns, seeping through the cracks of the blinds and flooding a dull light into Kihyun's bedroom. He can feel Hyungwon tugging at his ankle again, and Kihyun thinks of how ironic it is that it's him who's refusing to get out of bed and Hyungwon the one impatiently tugging at his leg, hitting him with a pillow, anything to get his friend to listen. Kihyun must admit he feels a little apologetic and he knows he's being a bit obstinate and quite the dickhead to his friend—the only breathing human being left on the world that seems to care about his existence at the moment, which is also a bit ironic—but leaving his bed doesn't feel like an option, at least not right now anyway. Even if Hyungwon looks like he's on the verge of bursting into tears or punching Kihyun in the face. Maybe both. Kihyun isn't quite sure yet.

"Please, please," Hyungwon groans. He yanks at Kihyun's leg dangling from the foot of his bed, and if it weren't for the smaller male gripping at the edge of the bed he's sure he would've sent him flying. "We really don't have time for this. Would Minhyuk want you to act this way?"

"Minhyuk hates cremation," Kihyun argues, kicking at the hand Hyungwon reaches back towards him, "but he's been cremated, and you're not even doing anything about it, Hyungwon-ah!"

"Because whether Minhyuk is cremated or not isn't up to me! Just like it isn't up to you — stop kicking me!" Kihyun loses his grip and falls to the floor in a heap of heavy blankets and empty alcohol bottles. "Oh my God, why are you like this? I feel like I'm taking care of a fucking child."

"I didn't ask you to come over here, you know," Kihyun snaps, and it's meant to hurt Hyungwon, but he's sure the furrowing of Hyungwon's brows hurts him much more. 

"You're being unreasonable."

"Minhyuk hates cremation," Kihyun repeats, "therefore I hate cremation, and I'm not going to go to his funeral and supporting something we both hate."

"You're not going to his funeral to support cremation! You're going to support Minhyuk and celebrate his life. It's honestly the _least_ you could do for him right now."

Kihyun pauses, because well, he does sort of have a point. He wants so badly to be there for Minhyuk, but Kihyun isn't sure he's ready for that. And maybe that makes him seem like a bad person, maybe that makes him seem even more of the shitty friend that he was—that he _is_ —but Kihyun isn't quite sure what he's even ready for anymore, what he's supposed to do next from this point or how he's even supposed to feel.  

"If I decide not to go," Kihyun speaks softly, absently biting his lips to cherry red, "will that make me a bad friend?"

"Yes!" Hyungwon easily replies. He steals a glance from the watch around his thin wrist and suddenly springs into action, yanking Kihyun from the floor, shoving a dry-cleaned suit with the company name etched on the garment bag into his unsteady arms. "Now I understand this may be difficult for you, but  _please_ do something to make yourself at least a little presentable! We were supposed to leave _seven_ minutes ago!"

So Kihyun pulls himself into a black suit that's entirely way too big for his small body before he's reluctantly climbing into his friend's car (well, more so, Hyungwon has to drag him inside and threaten him so that he doesn't run out,) and then the two boys are down the road, the younger speeding far too ridiculously for Kihyun's liking. Ever since Minhyuk died, Kihyun has deliberately avoided cars, and it doesn't help that he has to be in the passenger's seat of one to attend his funeral.

"Hyungwon-ah," Kihyun calls, small fingers tightly gripping onto the strap of his seat belt for some form of safety, "do you think Minhyuk will be upset that I'll be at his funeral?"

"Why would he?" Hyungwon glances at his friend with furrowed brows, and then tugs his eyes to the road again.

"Because," he speaks, swallowing around the lump in his throat, "I killed him."

It's palpable. The weight of his words. Kihyun can see Hyungwon's knuckles whitening from his grip on the steering wheel. "You didn't kill him, Kihyun."

Kihyun frowns, although he was already frowning. "I killed him."

"Is this why you didn't want to come? Because you think Minhyuk's death is your fault?"

"I don't know."

"You didn't kill him," Hyungwon tells him again, as if the more he says it, the more it'll become less of a lie. Kihyun tightens his fingers on the seat belt as Hyungwon dangerously swerves into the building's parking lot.

"Yes I did."

Hyungwon just sighs. With the setting laid out in front of them, the reality sinking in a little more, inch by inch, it seems that arguing was of no use. "No," he says. "Minhyuk wouldn't be upset."

Brown eyes hesitantly peek at the driver's seat. "Are you sure?"

"Positive."

Kihyun narrows his eyes, hoping it'd help him see through his friend's nonchalant demeanor, but he doesn't find what he's looking for. He finds sad eyes, how Hyungwon's lids seem to droop more than Kihyun remembers, how his skin has lost its color and glow replaced with a dullness that churns Kihyun's stomach, how his hands seem more fidgety now, unsure where to go, unsure what to do. Kihyun realizes that he isn't here to support Minhyuk at all.

He decides that this answer will be all right for now, his fingers hesitantly brushing over Hyungwon's, his hand finding itself on top of his knuckles with unfamiliarity. "Okay," he says.

Hyungwon slightly smiles, although it seems as if it hurts him. "Okay."

. . .

MInhyuk's funeral is shit, like every other funeral. But Minhyuk's funeral is even more shit because Minhyuk is the one who died.

Kihyun wants to leave. His heart thumps in his chest, his hands shake, Kihyun can barely light a stick of incense with his eyes glued to Minhyuk's framed photo. There's a light about Minhyuk Kihyun could never really understand. Even through a simple photo—his grin wide, brown eyes crinkled and swimming of genuine happiness—the glow he carries is so palpable Kihyun feels blinded. And suffocated. So suffocated that he wishes he could just run away. It's his specialty, running away. It's the only way to keep himself sane. 

But Hyungwon's fingers lock around his wrist, almost as if he's reading his mind, pulling him away from the table and aligning the two of them across from Minhyuk's smiling face in a silence so suffocating Kihyun can barely breathe. 

His chest feels as if it's tightening as he bows. Hyungwon's fingers are still around him, being the only indication that Kihyun's real, that he's breathing, that there's at least some attachment he still has to planet earth, although he doesn't quite feel like it. He can almost feel Minhyuk's brother's eyes boring into him, and Kihyun thinks that he must hate him for taking Minhyuk away too soon, and then he feels bad about not wanting to come here first and how he's drunk at his friend's funeral and how he's taken his friend away from his better friends and family. And Kihyun realises he hates himself, because he still doesn't want to be at his friend's funeral and even as he's bowing to Minhyuk's portrait his lips are tingling for a drink. 

Kihyun swallows around the lump in his throat and blinks around tears and swipes his tongue over his pink-bitten lips and repeat. It feels like hours passing, but the hours are really only minutes and what feels like universes later Hyungwon's tugging at his droopy sleeve and he's standing once again, a hand pushing through his dark hair, then his clammy palms pushed to his thighs before he's lacing them together and looking towards Minhyuk's brother. Kihyun just tries to breathe even if he feels as if he's been pulled underwater. Everything is blurry and his thoughts are muffled and he's gasping for air, only to inhale water that fill up his lungs. And then he's terrified, because he doesn't want to drown.

He breaks out of his grief, and he knows it's disrespectful, but he finally lets himself run. Aimlessly running towards nowhere, the parking lot passing by him in a blur of cars as he just sprints until he doesn't see any buildings or cars or any signs of human life. He's surrounded by green and dirt, and he can finally inhale, exhale, inhale for the first time since Minhyuk died.

Kihyun plops to the ground, breaths staggered, shaky fingers desperately grasping for the flask in his blazer with guilt sinking in his stomach like a rock. Kihyun knows he's a bad person. A bad, shitty person. But he tries not to think of it, because wherever Minhyuk is he knows he hates him and thinks it should be Kihyun in ashes instead of himself. Kihyun knows, because he thinks so too.

He throws his head back and relief washes over him at the familiar burning liquid traveling down his throat, and even though he really doesn't want to think about how much of a shit person he is, he wishes he still had a chance to be _better_. And then he looks up at the sky, wondering if Minhyuk really is up there and thinks the worst thing about being a shit person is that when you feel like you're drowning and you run out of your friend's funeral, no one comes looking for you.

. . .

In the morning, Kihyun tries to be a better person.

He sits in a long bath of warm water, and then tames his tousled hair before forcing himself into a pair of jeans and getting in the car.  It's only then it hits him how terrifying going to a therapist is. But apparently sitting in a room and admitting he misses Minhyuk a lot and that he drinks too much brings you a little closer to having a chance at happiness. Kihyun thinks Minhyuk would be proud.

The engine roars to life and Kihyun's startled. The sound is mortifying, even more mortifying that he's now the cause of it. Kihyun breathes and tries telling himself  there's nothing to be scared of and it's just a car and he won't end up crashing and killing someone. Not again.

He sucks in a breath, tightens his hands around the steering wheel and tries to really smile for the first time since his friend's heart stopped. It's supposed to be a confident smile, full of optimism and high hopes, but the muscles in Kihyun's face falters, and he whispers a little note to himself that he can always try that confident smile again later.

He exhales, a long cold breath passing his lips, the icy air creating a little white cloud that evaporates to air. 

And then he pulls the key out the ignition, runs back inside the house, and hides underneath his bed like he used to do when he was a little kid and his mom always had to drag him from under and pull him back to reality. His chest feels tight and everything hurts just like then, but it's different this time. There's no one he can depend on to pull him from under; not his mom, not Hyungwon, not anyone.

He lies there, hopeless, until he's tired of feeling and somehow he ends up in the living room, sniffing white in one nostril and hating himself. He wonders if he's even the same person. He remembers waking up happy those hopeful little words in his head:  _Today I'm going to be a better person._ They were full of shit, full of lies. There's no _better_ for Kihyun.  There's no hope for someone like him to change. Maybe he just has to stay this way forever.

And then he tries losing himself like before. His music is turned up so loud it vibrates the white walls, traveling throughout his body and radiating throughout his broken heart. He brings a cigarette to chapped lips, dragging in smoke that trickles down his throat and burns his lungs, eyes faraway as he exhales a cloud of murder above him. And then he laughs, laughs at how pathetic he is. But he ends up in the kitchen anyway, chugging down a bottle his blurry sight can't read the label of until he feels so sad and empty and like breaking down and crying. But fuck, he doesn't know how he's even supposed to do that.

Kihyun tries breathing. He wants to crawl into the darkness underneath his bed where it's safe and where he's protected from the world, but he doesn't. His unsteady legs stumble out onto the balcony. He's in shorts and a white, thin tee shirt, the cold wind of winter  engulfing his terribly underdressed body. Kihyun thinks he's going to freeze, but he doesn't care. At least he's feeling something.

He throws his head back, taking a long swig from his bottle like the bottom of it will reveal happiness and looks out at the dark sky holding close to no stars. Kihyun thinks how he really hates the outdoors and the sky and the world and himself and how nothing has changed. How he's still out on the balcony drunk and sad and freezing his ass off. He's supposed to not care, and he's not supposed to think and worry about his dead friend right now, but he still thinks and worries about his dead friend, and before he can even stop himself from thinking and worrying about his dead friend, Kihyun worries and thinks that he really should've been a better friend to him.

He shouldn't have scowled Minhyuk all the time, nitpicking and judging every little thing he does; he shouldn't have yelled back at Minhyuk whenever he told him to stop drinking so much; he shouldn't have kicked Minhyuk out their apartment every weekend so he can fuck around with some guy; he shouldn't have gotten mad when Minhyuk told him he'd rather play video games than go to the stupid party Kihyun begged him to go to and he shouldn't have pressured him into going and he shouldn't have pushed drinks in his hands and he shouldn't have cheered him on whenever he took a shot and shouldn't have insisted on driving them home instead of taking a taxi and he _shouldn't have shouldn't have shouldn't have._

It's not fair. Minhyuk was always happy, always way too nice, always witty and funny and eager to put everyone's happiness before his own, and Kihyun always hated his life and always wanted to die and has always been a shitty friend and a shitty person to everyone and a sloppy drunk that never really had much of a future or a life or anything at all, really.

Yet he's on the balcony emotionless, bottle in hand, and alive, and Minhyuk is dead. 

"Aren't you cold?" Kihyun turns to a headful of brown, tamed under a winter hat, and dark eyes.

Kihyun shrugs, bringing his bottle to his lips, and then frowning at the realization it's empty. "I don't mind," he replies.

"Rough night?"

"More like a month."

The stranger is smiling at him. "Ah."

Kihyun thinks he has a cute smile, and it's so infectious he has to bite his lips to keep from smiling. "Yeah."

"Want a little company?"

He means to decline, but somehow _sure_ makes its way from his lips instead.

The man plops down on a plastic chair and looks up at the dark sky, hands tucked behind his head. His arms are thick, prominent from underneath the sleeves of a jacket. "I'm Hoseok."

"Kihyun."

"Kihyun," he slowly repeats to himself, trying the two syllables on his tongue. He closes his eyes. "Okay."

And that's it.

. . .

"What are you planning to do with Minhyuk's stuff?"

It's way too early in the morning and Kihyun and Hyungwon are sitting on the staircase of the apartment complex, drinking orange juice and watching little snowflakes fall in the middle of February. Kihyun's panicking, which is nothing new, really.  He never thought he had to do something with Minhyuk's stuff. Just like he'd been deliberately avoiding cars, he's been deliberately avoiding stepping into Minhyuk's room too.

Hyungwon nudges him with his shoulder. "You don't have to do anything with it, Kyun. I was just wondering if you wanted to give some of it to his family or something."

"If I keep it, would that make me selfish?"

His friend rolls his eyes. "Of course not. Minhyuk is your friend."

"Okay. I think I want to keep it."

"Okay."

A door closes behind them and then Hoseok is walking down the staircase in bright ass neon yellow sneakers, a dog's leash in hand.  He looks even more amazing in the sunlight, pale skin glowing and eyes bright.

"Hey," Kihyun quietly greets his neighbor.  He brushes fingers back through messy, black hair, combing it into something that he hopes doesn't sell how stoned he is right now.

Hoseok's lips pull into a smile that reaches his eyes and touches every muscle in his face. "Hi, Kihyun."

Kihyun runs a hand through the dog's fur, light brown and curly like ramyun noodles. "I like your dog."

"Thanks. Her name is Ramyun." Hyungwon sneezes as she moves onto him, sniffing the two boys with curiosity. "Are you allergic?"

Hyungwon sneezes again, so aggressively it pushes his hair into his eyes. "Kind of."

"Sorry," Hoseok mutters,  tugging his dog away from the two boys and jogging down the staircase. "See you around?"

Kihyun nods and Hoseok smiles even wider before his neon shoes are disappearing down the road. Kihyun frowns, because he may or may not have been really wanting to talk to Hoseok and see his cute little smile just a little while longer. "Ugh, damn you, Hyungwon," he grumbles, but it's probably the wrong thing to say, because Hyungwon teases him about his little "crush" on Hoseok for the rest of the morning.

Hyungwon leaves shortly after, not forgetting to remind his friend to take care of himself. It sounds a little like something Minhyuk would tell him. 

Kihyun feels different once he steps back into his and Minhyuk's apartment,  and he doesn't know what comes over him, but he's walking towards a direction his legs would never manage to go in a million years, fingers tightening around a doorknob he thought he'd never touch. And then he's pushing the door open to Minhyuk's room.

The cold air engulfs him immediately, sending a shiver down his spine, and then suddenly he's shot back two months ago to December when he's walking into Minhyuk's room, his best mate sitting on the bed Indian style, earphones plugged in his ears and crumpled paper surrounding his body.

He can remember him looking up, brown eyes taking in his friend's outfit before he'd pulled an earphone from his ear. _"Going out?"_

The _again_ in the question is left unsaid, but nonetheless, it was still very audible. _"You should come with me,"_ Kihyun suggested, leaning against the door frame, crossing an ankle over the other. _"Take a break from your procrastinating."_

 _"But wouldn't I still be procrastinating if I go out with you?"_ Minhyuk challenged, pulling a sheet of notebook paper from the book placed in his folded lap. _"But really, I can't go. I've procrastinated so much I'm literally failing—"_

 _"You're giving me a headache,"_ Kihyun said, waving off what could've been a rant with a careless hand. _"But anyway"_ —he revealed a pint of tequila from behind his back and threw it in the air to his friend, swallowed in papers of crumbled, failed sketches— _"we haven't hung out together in forever, and you've been working on that stupid art assignment for three weeks. Come out with me."_

 _"I really can't, Kihyun-ah,"_ he said, placing the tequila on his nightstand and scribbling something on the paper.

Kihyun groaned and sat down on the edge of his bed, frowning. "Please? That guy you like will be there."

Minhyuk instantly stops drawing, curiously glancing up at him. "What guy?"

 _"Muscle guy,"_ Kihyun sang, teasingly pinching at Minhyuk's cheek because he knew that was the trick to get him to chuckle. _"Tan, muscle guy."_

 _"Oh, that could be anyone,"_ Minhyuk teased.

 _"You know who I'm talking about,"_ he laughed and Minhyuk laughed, visibly breaking under Kihyun's plea. 

_"Okay, fine, I'll go for Tan Muscle Guy. But I'm not drinking."_

_"Okay,"_ Kihyun shrugged, a satisfied smile tugging at his lips. He reached over his friend and grabbed the tequila off the nightstand. _"More for me."_

Now Kihyun feels like punching himself in the face for pressuring drinks down Minhyuk's throat the whole night. He just wanted to see him loosen up, see him become more of the energetic, happy Minhyuk he was before the semester had began and piled him under a lifetime of art assignments. He thought everyone needs a little break sometimes.

Kihyun leans his back against the wall, looking at the crumbled sheets of sketchbook paper scattered across the floor and Minhyuk's abandoned earphones and sketchbook on top of his ruffled bed sheets. The tee shirt and pajama bottoms he thrown off that night and replaced with jeans and tee shirt instead are still sprawled out on the floor, much like Minhyuk, never knowing how to toss his clothes into the laundry basket. Kihyun wonders if his shirt still smells like him, but he doesn't want to touch it. He doesn't want to touch anything.  Everything is exactly how Minhyuk left it—messy and out of order in the way Kihyun absolutely hated—and even though he feels a hole in his chest, it still brings a small smile to his face.

He slides his back down the wall until he lands on his ass and just sits there, remembering every moment in this room. Remembering Minhyuk dragging him into his room early Christmas morning to get the present he'd terribly wrapped underneath his bed, remembering sitting on his friend's bed sobbing into his chest after being dumped by some shitty guy, remembering going back home at five and slipping into Minhyuk's bed because he was too lazy to go all the way to his,  remembering Minhyuk and him crazily jumping around the small space with backwards Snapbacks pulled over their heads as they enthusiastically rapped along to hip-hop until their grumpy neighbor stomped over to their flat and scolded them.

Kihyun feels as if he'll cry, but somehow he doesn't shed a tear. All he can seem to do is just sit there, stoned, and hate himself because now all those little things about Minhyuk are just a kaleidoscope of memories.

. . .

When Kihyun falls asleep one night, he has a dream that he's driving in a car. It's nighttime. He's on an isolated road surrounded by naked trees and darkness, thin snowflakes falling around him in tiny crystals. Kihyun isn't sad, or terrified of being behind the wheel at all. He's relaxed and in control, breathing normally and above water as he aimlessly drives to nowhere, ignoring the soft _it's three in the morning, and i'm trying to change your mind_ playing from the radio

He turns his head to the seat beside his, and then he's screaming, high-pitched and ear piercing.

Minhyuk is in the passenger's seat. But it's not Minhyuk Minhyuk. It's Dead Minhyuk. Dead Minhyuk with blood flowing from his forehead, lifeless dark eyes, and a neck awkwardly twisted. 

Kihyun's scream  catches in his throat as he loses control of the steering wheel and the world spins around him in a blur of snowflakes and Dead Minhyuk, and Kihyun can't manage to make a sound no matter how hard he tries. He doesn't think he's breathing.  And the world just keeps turning and Kihyun's afraid it's never going to stop until it swallows him and Dead Minhyuk whole.

Then tires shriek and the smell of burning rubber fills his nostrils, glass cracking across his face like the snowflakes fluttering from the sky before he's jumping awake, finally ripping out that scream at the top of his lungs.

Brown eyes anxiously dart around the dark room, breaths heavy and uneven, shaky fingers tightly gripping the tangled sheets into a fist. _It's just a dream. It's just a dream._ But he's not sure if he should feel relieved.

His body collapses onto the bed before he's choking out a sob into his pillow, the image of Dead Minhyuk permanently etched in his mind.  He tries deeply inhaling, exhaling, inhaling, but somehow he even fucks that up and his breathing goes out of control all over again, knuckles turning white as his shaky hands tighten around the sheets.

Kihyun tries to stand up on wobbly legs before he's stumbling into a dark washroom, shaky hands misguidedly feeling the wall for the light switch. The room's suddenly illuminated and bloodshot eyes catch a horrifying reflection in the mirror, critically eyeing colorless skin, messy black hair, puffy, red eyes, and a faint little scar above his eyebrow from the car accident.  A shaky hand runs over his prickly chin, and then he frowns. He really needs a shave.

His eyes find a razor on the sink, and then the doorbell is ringing throughout the flat. Kihyun jumps.

"It's just the doorbell, you idiot," he shakily breathes. Kihyun's not quite sure who the hell would visit at this time. There's no way in hell Hyungwon's awake this early, and his parents usually ring him before heading to Seoul. Kihyun stumbles into his room, quickly stepping into boxers and pajama bottoms and pulling a random tee shirt over his head before his unsteady legs take him to the door.

The doorbell chimes again.

"I'm fucking coming," Kihyun groans, angrily unlocking the door and yanking it open. Suddenly his body's knocked to the floor and his arm is being twisted, an angry voice loudly shouting threats and swearing at him and then—

"Oh, fuck, Kihyun-ssi, I'm _so_ sorry!" _Hoseok._

Kihyun can only groan in pain as his neighbor releases his arm and climbs off of him, elbows accidentally digging into Kihyun's spine.

"What the hell?" Kihyun shouts.

"I heard you scream," Hoseok sheepishly explains, extending a hand to help the small boy onto his feet. "And you're my neighbor, so I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

"Well," he grumbles, massaging a sore muscle in his arm, "I'm not okay now."

"I'm sorry."

He bows and suddenly Kihyun feels terrible. The boy he's been infatuated with for three weeks actually cares about him, yet here he is, being a little bitch. 

"Its fine," Kihyun quickly reassures him. "Thank you for looking out for me, I guess."

Hoseok's smile spreads into a smug smile. "It was nothing."

"Well, good night."

"But wait," he says, "what made you scream?"

Kihyun cringes as the nightmare replays in his head, and he wonders why bad dreams never end up fading away like good ones do. "It was just a stupid dream. You can go back home now."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes," Kihyun says, because that's what you say when people ask you this. But he's not sure if he even knows what okay feels like anymore.

"Well"— his brown eyes darts around Minhyuk and Kihyun's simple apartment scattered with sparse and mismatched furniture Minhyuk could never keep himself from taking from yard sales— "okay."

"Good night," he repeats as the taller boy backs out of the doorway, and Hoseok hesitantly waves him off before disappearing into the night.

Kihyun doesn't quite remember anything he did after that, but when he wakes up in Minhyuk's room with empty bottles littering the room and cuts lined up on his chest, he wishes he would've told Hoseok that, no, he isn't okay.

. . .

 _"What's this?"_ Minhyuk asked, studying the sheet of notebook paper Kihyun casually slid onto the keyboard of his laptop in the middle of a marathon of some stupid mystery show about lesbians.

Kihyun nudged the taller boy over so he could sit on the bed beside him. "A dare list," he simply replied. _"Remember when you said you wished you had reasons to do more random stuff? Well, I made you a list of dares."_

Minhyuk quickly flipped through the four pages of ridiculous dares Kihyun had wrote down. It was intentionally full of stupid things, like _kiss a stranger, ride a motorcycle, go to a frat party._ Things Kihyun could amuse himself with seeing Minhyuk do. _"Where am I supposed to get a motorcycle?"_

_"I don't know, be creative. That's the fun part about it."_

Minhyuk smiled.

 _"Don't feel pressured to do it, though,"_ Kihyun told him. _"But it is there if you get bored, or a little stressed. Just make sure you invite me whenever you try to attempt them."_

 _"Hm,"_ Minhyuk hummed to himself, _"I don't know. It kind of seems a little like all the stuff you'd do."_

Kihyun laughed, happy that his friend managed to connect the dots himself. He stood up from the bed.  _"Exactly,"_ he said, before disappearing into the hallway.

. . .

It's early in the morning and Minhyuk's best friend is in front of Kihyun's door.

Kihyun's annoyed. He's stoned and missing Minhyuk way too much for unexpected company, and it annoys him even more how he doesn't speak when Kihyun opens the door. He wonders if it'd be rude for him to casually close the door back, but then Jooheon does speak. He says, "Here," and then he extends his arm to him with a folded sheet of paper in hand.

Kihyun doesn't get it. He eyes the paper suspiciously before looking at him again. "What is this?"

"It has your name on it," Jooheon says, which isn't a real answer to his question, but Kihyun accepts the response anyway. "I don't think Minhyuk had a chance to give it to you."

"Thanks?" Kihyun questions, reluctantly taking the folded paper offered to him. He gives him a small smile, and then walks back to the car parked in the parking lot. There's a boy with him who Kihyun's seen around sometimes. Changkyun, he thinks, seated in the driver's seat and reaching his hand over to squeeze Jooheon's shoulder once he's climbed inside. Suddenly, Kihyun feels terrible.

He closes the door and hesitantly unfolds the paper, wondering what's so special about it that Jooheon decided to come and give it to him. And then a smile widens on his face as he realizes why it's a little special. It's a dare list Kihyun wrote for Minhyuk their first year of college.

He used to write one every month for fun. Minhyuk was content with a simple life, but Kihyun knew he had to do at least something with all that energy bouncing inside of him. Even if it was stupid. They were college students. 

A small smile spreads over Kihyun's face, and then he turns the paper over to the back, scanning his eyes over the handwriting printed on it.

 _1\. Watch the sun rise_  
_2\. Ride a penny board (it's really not that hard, Kyun)_  
_3\. Take a drive and get lost_  
_4\. Split a milkshake with someone cute ;)_  
_5\. Stay inside all day (it can actually be fun!!!)_  
_6\. See a random band play live_  
_7\. Read a novel... I think you've told me you used to like doing this_  
_8\. Go a day without drinking (Just try it ^^)_  
_9\. Go skinny dipping in a lake_  
_10\. Sleep under the stars_  
_11\. Say I love you_

It's another dare list consisting of eleven things to do. But it isn't written by him. It's written by Minhyuk.

. . .

_Ride a penny board (it's really not that hard, Kyun)_

Kihyun walks back to the apartment complex from a bicycle shop with his new penny board tucked under his arm. It's pastel pink, the only color the shop had, and looks like the skateboard of a six-year-old girl, but he's just happy to have gotten one.

It reminds him of how he'd first met Minhyuk during the second week of college. Kihyun was heading to the cafeteria as Minhyuk rode on a blue penny board towards him dorm and Kihyun told him, "I've always wanted to learn how to ride a skateboard," and after Minhyuk gave him quite the monologue of how it took him forever to learn how to do tricks, he'd offered to teach him how to ride one. One week later, Kihyun had a sprained arm and a headache, but it was okay, because he had a new friend too.

Once Kihyun reaches the playground, he drops the penny board to the concrete. "Okay, let's do this," he tells himself, placing one foot on the board, and then he tries to remember what Minhyuk taught him about gaining speed. He kicks off from the ball of his foot and travels down the road, bringing his foot back down to the concrete to continue his aimless journey.

Somehow it's way easier than the time Minhyuk taught him in a public park (that ended up banning skateboards and bikes a week later,) instructing him where to put his foot and how to contain his balance and so much other shit Kihyun can't return his mind to. But even though he's still uncontrollably wobbling like last time and almost falling over, he thinks he's doing a pretty okay job.

Though, that's before he finds himself picking up a dangerous speed he's not sure he can control and he's kind of panicking, but he doesn't jump off, or attempt to slow down, because it'd ruin the whole point. So, Kihyun decides to pick up his other foot and attempt balancing on the board. Not that he thinks this will actually aid him somehow, and in the end, it doesn't. Kihyun loses his balance and crashes forward with a yelp.

Surprisingly, he doesn't crash into a tree or fall into a rose bush like the last time he attempted riding a penny board. Instead, he crashes into a _someone_. Their back is turned towards him and they're too busy walking while texting to hear Kihyun wildly coming up behind them.

Kihyun releases a scream that sounds nowhere near masculine as he slams into the person's back, sending the two of them flying to the ground. His life flashes before his eyes, and the world turns in a blur of angels and Jesus and a bright light and a harmonising choir and he thinks if this was going to be the way he dies, he would've called his parents and Hyungwon, and probably went to go visit Hoseok, before deciding to let his ego get the best of him. But then he realizes he's just lying on the concrete, looking up at the sky.

Something starts licking his face and Kihyun looks over, furrowing his brows at the dog hovering over him. "Ramyun? What are you doing here?"

"Kihyun-ssi?" Kihyun tugs his eyes from the dog, squinting at Hoseok picking himself up from the ground. "You nearly killed me."

Kihyun sits up, slowly, his arm aching, but he scratches Ramyun behind her ear anyway. "I guess you could say this is payback for attacking me in my own home."

"What were you even doing?" Hoseok questions, an amused smile spreading on his face as he extends an arm to the smaller boy, helping him onto his feet. 

"Riding a penny board," he sighs. Kihyun picks up the skateboard and tucks it back under his arm before returning to pet Ramyun. 

"Which I see is turning out disastrous," he laughs. Kihyun sheepishly smiles, rubbing a hand over the scratch on his arm. "The board is a pretty color too. Really brings out your eyes."

"Oh, shut up. It was the only one the bike shop had left."

"I'm just teasing you," Hoseok smiles so cutely that Kihyun finds himself in awe for a few seconds. "I think it's cute. You like riding?"

"Uh, not really. I'm not that good," Kihyun murmurs. "But as you can see, I'm trying to learn."

"I could teach you?"

"Really?" Hoseok nods. "Right now?"

"Well, yeah. Only if you don't end up murdering me during the lesson."

"Um, okay." Kihyun smiles and places his penny board back on the ground. "But I warn you, the last time I tried riding a skateboard, I fell into a rose bush, crashed into a tree, and then sprained my arm."

Hoseok laughs. "Are you serious?"

"Would I lie about something that embarrassing?"

"I guess not." He smiles again, and Kihyun thinks he must know the way it tugs at his heartstrings. "Why did you choose this specific board?"

"Um," Kihyun says, "my best friend wants me to learn how to ride."

"Okay." Hoseok pushes Ramyun's leash into Kihyun's hands. "So, first, you have to get on the board with your front foot behind the screws, and Ramyun will help you out."

"Um, okay." Kihyun places his foot on the board and, of course, almost ends up tripping.

Hoseok laughs, and then his hands are on Kihyun's sides without a warning. "Don't fall."

Kihyun isn't sure he can help that now that Hoseok's touching him.

"Now," he says after the smaller boy regains his balance, "kick off from the ball of your foot so you can gain speed, but if you keep your foot on the ground too long, you're going to fall, obviously."

He follows his instructions and makes his way down the sidewalk, depending on Ramyun for balance. He almost trips so many times he loses count, but he already has this part down from a while ago so it's not as bad as it could be.

Hoseok's jogging beside him. "Are you comfortable?"

"Um, I don't know."

Hoseok laughs and Kihyun feels a little stupid. "I think you're at a good speed. Now, try turning your feet, like sideways, along with your body. Your front foot should be around a fortyfive degree angle and your back foot should be perpendicular to the board."

Kihyun sighs, wishing he didn't fail math.

"Ah, I don't think I can do this," he sighs, fingers tightening on Ramyun's leash.

"You're so optimistic," Hoseok laughs. "Come on, just don't think about it too much and you'll be fine."

Kihyun sucks in a breath, lifting his foot from the ground and following Hoseok's instructions, almost tripping and falling to his death like he's been continuously doing this whole entire time he's been outside.

"You're doing great," Hoseok attempts reassuring him. Kihyun would glare at him if he weren't so scared to lose his balance right now. Wind runs through his hair and brushes his cheeks and maybe it would feel a little nice if Kihyun didn't feel like he was moving seconds closer to dying. "How do you feel? Do you feel free?"

"Not really." Kihyun jumps off the penny board with that, tripping over his feet and air and life.

Hoseok frowns, and then smiles, picking up Kihyun's penny board from the ground. "Tell your friend skating ain't for everyone."

"I think he already knows."

"If he's seen you on this thing, I'm sure he does."

Kihyun playfully punches his arm and they both laugh, his hand running along Ramyun's fur. "Can you ride? Like, are you any good at it?"

Hoseok contemplates this and then shrugs. "Sure."

All he does is ride extremely fast down the road and jumps over Ramyun and falls, but Kihyun still finds it cool, (because it's Hoseok and everything about him is cool,) and then they walk back towards the apartment complex, talking about the military and favorite foods.

"Thanks for trying to help me," Kihyun says as they reach the staircase. 

"It was nothing." They both begin their journey up the steps and Kihyun nearly screams at how his time with Hoseok is over. "If you need anything else, you're free to knock on my door."

"Same goes for you."

Hoseok smiles, and they both stop once they reach the top of the staircase leading to their flats, lingering behind to suck more life out of the moment. Kihyun is handed back his penny board, their fingers brushing for a fleeting moment. "Have fun with this."

"Ha." Kihyun passes off Ramyun's leash, and then hesitantly separates himself from him, unlocking the door to his apartment with his heart hysterically pounding against his rib cage. He can't remember the last time he's ever felt this way about someone. He'd almost forgotten how shitty, but amazing, it feels to like someone so much. 

He's so excited, so happy, that he can't keep all of this to himself, that he has to tell Minhyuk about his day and how cute Hoseok is when he laughs and how he'd practically touched his hips. But then he pauses, happiness quickly draining out of him at the realization that he can't, and suddenly his friend is dying all over again.

And that's all it takes for Kihyun to end up depressed and drowning again.

. . . 

_Watch the sun rise_

Two weeks later, Kihyun sees Hoseok again. It's three and he's on his balcony with an unlit cigarette dangling from his lips, fingers tapping away on the screen of his phone. He looks up slightly when Kihyun joins him on his own, acknowledging his presence with an amiable smile before glancing to his phone once again.

"Trouble sleeping?" Hoseok asks. He smiles and Kihyun has seen it so many times, but his heart still happens to flutter as if it's the first time.

"Yeah." Kihyun brings a bottle to his lips, thinking of how he doesn't tell Hoseok he's been trying to avoid sleep since the bad dream. Whenever he closes his eyes, all he sees is Dead Minhyuk and it steals all the air from him. "And what about you?"

"Same," he says, "but I don't really sleep that much anyway."

"You're going to cause yourself a heart disease."

Hoseok eyes the thin tee shirt hanging off Kihyun's body. "And you're going to cause yourself hypothermia."

"This is all the warmth I need," Kihyun laughs with a raise of his bottle. Hoseok only shakes his head and puts his phone away, pulling a lighter from his pocket and bringing it to the cigarette held between his perfectly pink lips. "You okay, though?"

Kihyun doesn't have to contemplate this question, because the usual lie is already falling from his mouth. "Yeah, I'm okay."

"Great." Kihyun glances at the cloud of smoke Hoseok exhales and quickly looks away, wondering how smoking can make a person look so hot. "You know," Hoseok says, plopping down in his chair, "I'm always here if you need anything."

Kihyun looks back up at him.

"Even if it's over a stupid dream," Hoseok softly adds, that stupid smile on his lips. "I make a killer hot chocolate.  It will solve all your problems, I swear."

The younger boy lets out a laugh and looks down at the grass below them, and he doesn't know why but this morning he decides to be brave. "Prove it," he challenges.

"Right now?"

"Mm-hmm," Kihyun replies, looking over at him with a smile. "Let's see how great your hot chocolate really is."

. . .

Hoseok's hot chocolate is pretty great.

Kihyun literally moans when he takes the first sip, and Hoseok gives him a smug I told you so smile that causes Kihyun's insides to melt. Or maybe it's only because of the hot chocolate (that tastes like Jesus in a mug.)

They're sitting in front of a heater in Hoseok's small, blue living room, sipping from mugs and partially paying attention to the TV, and Kihyun can't keep his big mouth closed. He keeps talking and talking about his family and memories from his childhood and how much he loves Hoseok's dog, Ramyun, and all his favorite songs and instruments. He's sure Hoseok's secretly wishing there was a remote control that could mute him, but Kihyun has never felt so comfortable with someone, like he could easily take off all his clothes and casually talk about his favorite genre of films without feeling awkward.

"I'm going to school to be an anesthesiologist," Kihyun tells him, gently petting Ramyun. He doesn't mention how he's taking a break because he killed his friend. "But I've always had a passion for singing."

Hoseok's brows shoot up. "Singing?"

"Yeah," he says, a nervous smile tugging at his lips.

"I'm in school for music management," Hoseok excitedly tells him. "Sing something for me!"

Kihyun chokes on his drink. "No way."

"Why not?"

"Because," he says, heat growing in his cheeks, "I really don't like singing in front of people."

"How are you going to be an idol?"

"I'm not going to be a idol! I'm going to be an anesthesiologist."

Hoseok waves him off. "I think you should be an idol."

"You don't even know if I'm any good at it," Kihyun laughs.

"I would if you would sing for me."

"Well," Kihyun chews his lips, biting at the smile fighting against his cheeks, "I'll sing for you sometime later then."

"Fineee." Hoseok pouts, childishly crossing his arms over his chest and lying down beside him so they're looking up to the ceiling.

The hours fly by just like that, Hoseok and Kihyun getting to know each other. Kihyun mentally notes every little thing about him: the way his hair falls into his eyes, how he absently bites his lip in the most glorious way possible and how the sleeves of his tee shirt squeezes around his biceps. Everything about him is so simple, completely different from the mysterious and rebellious guys Kihyun usually takes interest in. But Kihyun knows why Hoseok's simplicity draws him in. His simplicity isn't bland. There's just something about him. Something Kihyun can't really put his finger on yet, but it keeps his interested and hooked, just like that cute, little smile of his. 

It's around God-knows-what time when they both end up facing each other and Hoseok's hands somehow end up on Kihyun's face, the pad of his thumb brushing over the faint scar above the younger boy's eyebrow. "What happened here?" he questions.

He's surprised he can even see it. Sometimes Kihyun looks at his reflection and doesn't realize it's even there, doesn't realize there's another something marked on him from the night he killed his friend because apparently the mental and emotional damage isn't enough.  There's no escape from that night. Everywhere he goes, no matter what he's doing, he's forced to carry the heavy weight with him.

"Car accident," Kihyun decides to say.

Hoseok frowns, probably expecting a cute, little story about Kihyun being a hyperactive seven-year-old and accidentally running into a brick wall, or maybe something more bad ass. "What happened?"

"Nothing really," he replies, pulling his eyes away from Hoseok, trying to look at other things: the blue couch, the large TV, the weird plant in a random corner. "Just a simple car accident."

"Well, I like it," Hoseok smiles, as if that isn't a strange compliment to give someone. Kihyun doesn't know  if he's supposed to thank him, but he doesn't have time to as he glances over towards the two doors leading to Hoseok's balcony. The blinds are partially closed, but Kihyun can tell the sky is lighter than before.

Instantly, he's jumping to his feet. "Hoseok-ssi, Hoseok-ssi, Hoseok-ssi, come outside with me?"

"Why?" he questions, but Kihyun is already taking him by the wrist, dragging the smaller boy out onto the balcony.

The sky is already a mixture of orange and pink and the sun is peeking up behind the trees. Kihyun silently watches, his smiling lips sipping from the steaming mug. He never knew the sky could light you up as bright as itself, and he thinks about how if he went out drinking and flirting with the first guy he sees last night instead of staying home, he probably would've never had a chance to hang out with Hoseok and get to know him and feel happy for once. He wonders if maybe there's a relevance to this list, maybe some form of a mission Minhyuk had in thought for him, and thinks of how many times he's missed a sunrise peeling himself away from a passed out one-night stand with a shitty hangover and trying to successfully escape from the stranger's flat without waking him.

Hoseok lets out a happy sigh from behind him, and Kihyun looks over, the fact that someone was with him having slipped his mind. 

"I love sunrises," Hoseok quietly tells him like if he speaks any louder, the moment would wither away. "It's like completely starting over, and yesterday is just yesterday."

Kihyun closes his eyes  and imagines himself starting over. Erasing away all his grief and guilt, even if it's only leaving him for now. And then his eyes flutter back open to the world and he inhales deeply as the orange sky turns to blue.

. . .

_Read a novel... I think you've told me you used to like doing this_

Kihyun slowly flips to the next page of a thin book, a yawning slipping from his lips as his tired eyes take in the printed words of the page. He groans, head falling back to the wall. For the past hour, he'd been attempting to read the shortest novel he could find in the library, but he couldn't even get through a page without every distraction in his wake coming to life.  The fan spinning on his ceiling and the sun peeking through the blinds on his window and how if he taps his foot hard enough on the carpeted floor it makes a very intriguing sound that he wants to hear over and over and over again.

"Preface," Kihyun dictates before once again mumbling to himself the first page. It's true, he remembers liking this. Elementary school and middle school. All Kihyun liked to do was read. He'd lock himself in his room for hours after school, legs stretched against the wall, reading until it's time for bed and sometimes waking up in the middle of the night just to finish this _one part_ that always lead him to reading through it all. Now, Kihyun feels like an entirely different person. He feels bored and tortured. 

A sudden shout comes from behind his head. Kihyun jumps ten feet in the air at the unexpected shout, and he doesn't even have a chance to recover before the one shout is followed by more, louder and angrier, and for a minute Kihyun guesses Hoseok's just going through some heavy metal phase. But then he makes out an unfamiliar voice and _'asshole'_ and _'get the fuck out my house'_ and after a string of threats and insults, the door slams closed so hard it even rattles the walls of the apartment. Kihyun just sits there as everything quickly falls back into normalcy, like the usual peaceful atmosphere in the apartment complex just wasn't interrupted by whatever the fuck that was.

Kihyun doesn't have to think before he's on his sock-covered feet, abandoning the novel on the bed, and leaving his flat. He doesn't know where his conscience is taking him, but he doesn't stop himself on the short lived journey to Hoseok's flat until he's pausing at the door, wondering how bad of an idea this is. None of whatever happened, or anything in Hoseok's personal life, is any of his business, and he knows that Hoseok will probably be irritated with his presence, but he still wants to know if he's okay. Since they're neighbors and all that is.

Maybe friends, too. Kihyun's not sure what they are to each other, but there's just something itching at him to see if he's all right.

His hand balls into a fist and knocks onto the door before he's standing back, waiting patiently for the older male, his eyes somehow finding Hoseok's stupid doormat.  It's just a picture of trees, and Kihyun's staring at it so long, trying to figure out its relevance, that he doesn't realize Hoseok's standing in front of him. His hair is messy, and his usual happy, brown eyes look sad. Or tired. Kihyun's quite bad at reading people.

"Hey," he says, which sounds stupid, but it's already left his mouth.

Hoseok tries to smile, but his face falls into blankness. "Hey," he softly replies. His voice sounds strange, broken, like he's been holding back tears.

"Um"—Kihyun awkwardly sways side to side, hands placed behind his back, his eyes once again trailing to the stupid trees on Hoseok's stupid doormat—"are you okay, Hoseok-ssi?"

"I will be, I guess."

Kihyun awkwardly nods, and then realizes how stupid this all is. Hoseok and him barely know each other, and here he is, terribly failing at trying to make him feel better. He's sure Hoseok thinks he's an idiot. "I'm sorry," he pathetically mutters.

"You didn't do anything."

"No, I—I really shouldn't have come here," he tells him, backing away from the door. "I just wanted to know if you were okay. I'm sorry."

Hoseok rolls his eyes and locks his fingers around Kihyun's wrist, pulling him back in. "It was just a stupid break up. It's fine. I'm glad you came."

"Why?" Kihyun asks, trying to ignore the 'break up' part. He knows he has zero chances with Hoseok, but just the thought of him being with someone else discomforts him.

"Because," Hoseok says, "I didn't really want to be alone. No one really does, do they?"

"I don't know."

He smiles, and Kihyun relaxes because this is the Hoseok he's used to, even if he's only smiling because of his stupidity. "Well, most people don't."

"Okay." Kihyun smiles too because Hoseok is smiling and it just feels right. "Then I don't want you to be alone either."

"Okay."

"And I think I have something that could make you feel better."

Hoseok lifts his brows. "Yeah?

"Yeah."

. . .

Kihyun scrolls through the long list of playlists on Minhyuk's laptop in search of the perfect one for Hoseok. His friend always made a shitload of random playlists on iTunes, but whenever one of them actually needed one, it took forever to find (thanks to Minhyuk's abnormal playlist making addiction.) But Kihyun couldn't really blame him. They were for a good cause—dance parties.

Kihyun doesn't remember how, but somewhere along their friendship they both easily agreed that dance parties make basically every situation better. And then after that, Minhyuk never stopped making them. No matter what situation, there were a list of songs grouped together that fit it perfectly. Except a playlist to get over the fact you killed your own friend and you really don't like yourself, which was a big disappointment when Kihyun returned home to their flat two weeks after Minhyuk passed away (after struggling to convince his mom he was well enough to be by himself) and pulled Minhyuk's abandoned laptop off the kitchen counter, frantically scrolling through billion of playlists to find one to make him feel better. In a way, he's still searching for it.

Finally, he spots a playlist titled _'BREAK UP.'_ He does a little stupid happy dance before walking into his bedroom where Hoseok's waiting for him on his bed, staring up at the very distracting ceiling fan.

"Found it?" Hoseok asks as Kihyun plugs speakers into Minhyuk's laptop. Kihyun didn't tell him what exactly was supposed to make him feel better, and he thought it'd be best to not tell him since he expects Hoseok to think his method is a little stupid.

"Yup," he says. "Okay, are you ready?"

Hoseok sits up on Kihyun's bed, curious, a leg crossing over the other. "Should I be?"

"I don't know," Kihyun laughs. He clicks shuffle on the playlist and bobs his head as music blasts from the speakers, filling up the room and vibrating underneath his feet. 

_So it's over? I didn't realize it's so much colder, but it's no surprise..._

Kihyun shimmies towards him and Hoseok bursts into loud laughter, pale cheeks flooding into pink and his head falling back onto the mattress. "What's happening?" he asks, or shouts to be heard over the music.

The shorter boy takes him by the hands, ignoring the little flutter in his stomach as Hoseok onto his feet. "Just dance," Kihyun instructs.

"I don't want to embarrass myself." Kihyun attempts to do a ballerina spin around him, leg out and all as Hoseok takes it all in as if he's intimidated.

Kihyun spins him around too and pulls him back in, accidentally bringing himself into his chest a little too closely. "That's what makes it fun," he says, tearing himself away from Hoseok and jumping up on the bed.

Hoseok's head drops back into another laugh as Kihyun shamelessly makes a complete fool of himself, settling for a calm head bob in complete contrast to the younger boy bouncing around the bed. 

"C'mere." Kihyun motions for him to join and Hoseok obliges, climbing up onto the bed with him and once again taking Kihyun's hand.

He lets himself go, reluctantly and gradually, but it eventually blossoms into something beautiful, and then his dancing along with him, laughing a little at the two of them and the whole situation. Kihyun cheers him on, jumping up and down, kicking a pillow to the floor and hopping off, jumping around his bedroom, laughing along with Hoseok and accidentally Kihyun thinks about how strange it is, dancing around his flat with someone else that's not his friend.  Just like how everything Kihyun does feels strange now that Minhyuk is dead, even brushing his teeth and walking to the grocery store feels abnormal. But this is different from brushing his teeth and walking to the grocery store, because in the two and a half years they'd known each other, him and Minhyuk never did this with anyone else, not even when Hyungwon became tangled up in their craziness a year later. It was kind of only their thing.

But then he stops thinking, because during dance parties, you're not allowed to think, and the boy he's had a crush on since December is allowing himself to be a complete adorable little dork in front of him and all that seems to be bouncing off the walls is happiness. There isn't any space for Kihyun's grief. With Hoseok, there never really seems to be any.

By the end of the song, they're both sweaty and breathing heavily. Kihyun instantly collapses onto the bed, wondering how the hell he could sometimes stand sweating all his energy out for an hour.

"That was fun," Hoseok chuckles, plopping down beside him with a smile. Another song blasts from the speakers, but neither boys move.

Kihyun pulls his eyes to his hands, a smile burning his cheeks. "Yeah."

"Thanks for this. You've made me feel a lot better, you know."

Kihyun's jaws hurt from smiling so fucking much, but he can't seem to help it. "I'm glad."

"You didn't really hear all of that argument, though, did you?"

"Not really."

"Good. That would've been really embarrassing," he mumbles, slightly laughing at himself. And then suddenly his smile drops and he slaps a hand over his face, a breathy sigh pushing through his perfect lips. "It really sucks when your boyfriend decides he wants to be with some girl he met literally two weeks ago instead of you."

"That happened?"

"Yeah." Hoseok lets out another laugh, but it's laced with sadness.  "And he decided he's moving in with her too."

Kihyun frowns. "But he just met her."

"Exactly." He rolls over on his side to face him. "But it's okay. I mean, I get it, I guess."

"Can you help me get it then? Because I don't understand."

"I'm just"—he pauses, trying to find the right words—"not permanent."

"What does that mean?"

"People can't stay with me for a long time," Hoseok elaborates. "It's just always been like that. And it's palpable. I think that's why most guys like me. They don't really have any intentions of being serious with me. But sometimes, like this time, I think that someone different has come along and that maybe I can have a long, serious relationship. But... you see how it always turns out."

Kihyun chews his lips. "I'm really sorry, Hoseok-ssi."

He shakes his head. "It's not the end of the world. There are boys everywhere, yeah? I can find someone else."

He wonders how he can be so optimistic. Kihyun thinks of the last bad break up he had. He was wrecked—stoned and sobbing in Minhyuk's arms until he'd cried enough tears to drown himself in, and then all he could do was just lie there emotionlessly against his friend's chest, feeling sad and empty. He doesn't understand how someone can just say that it's not the end of the world, see a life past the person they're with. It's the main reason why Kihyun doesn't like himself getting attached to people. He can never see hope in anything.

"Do you want to read a book with me?" Kihyun asks.

He doesn't know where the hell that came from, but it's better than the alternative. The 'you could be with me' at the tip of his tongue, which probably would've sent Hoseok running out of the apartment at the speed of light.

Hoseok seems confused with the sudden change of the subject, but he shrugs anyway. "Yeah, sure."

"I haven't read a novel in forever," he explains, like it makes the question any less random. "But anyway"—he sits up and pulls the thin book out of his drawer—"here it is."

He scans his brown eyes over the cover and flips it open to the first page. "Okay."

Hoseok scoots over to the him, so close their hips are touching, and they both lean over the page, Kihyun reminding himself to inhale, exhale, inhale with Hoseok pressed so closely to him. "Do you mind reading it out loud to me?" Kihyun quietly asks, hoping the reddening of his cheeks aren't too noticeable. "It's been a while."

"Uh, I have a lisp."

"I know," Kihyun laughs. "I don't mind. I do too."

Hoseok smiles, straightening his posture and preparing to read as if he's presenting a science project. "Preface..."

. . . 

_Split a milkshake with someone cute ;)_

Four weeks later, Kihyun decides to not be a pussy anymore.

He decides to stop hiding and come out about how he feels about his neighbor. But fuck, he has no idea how he's supposed to do that.

Kihyun has become closer to Hoseok. So close Hoseok's already left a key for Kihyun under his dumb doormat for whenever he has nightmares in the middle of the night and Kihyun's over there so much, he's confused if he even lives in his and Minhyuk's apartment anymore. The thought of ruining everything between them frightens him, but he's tired of acting like he doesn't watch Hoseok's lips when he talks and imagines how it'd feel to kiss them, or act like whenever Hoseok runs a hand through his hair it doesn't cause his heart to skip a beat. And anyway, he cannot not be Hoseok's boyfriend anymore than he already is.

It's just the friendship thing. The friendship thing he knows is going to shatter into nothing if this goes wrong.

But he takes a risk, anyway, and spends ten minutes trying to do something attractive with his hair and tries to look as appealing as he can so maybe Hoseok can look at him, actually look at him, and decide that maybe he likes Kihyun back. Or he could run away from him and never look back. There are so many ways this could turn out that Kihyun isn't quite sure which one he's supposed to prepare himself for.

Kihyun waits until he hears the faint sound of music flowing from Hoseok's flat and seeping into his own before he decides to drag himself over. He stands in front of the door, deeply inhaling and exhaling, and then balling his hand up into a fist to knock on his door.

He nervously fiddles with his fingers, rehearsing in his head what he's going to say: Hey, hyung. Can we talk? (Insert awkward entrance.) Before I tell you this, I want you to know that I don't want this to ruin our friendship. I really like talking to you and being around you, and if what I'm going to tell you makes you uncomfortable, I don't want us to stop talking to each other. Well, um, hyung, I guess what I'm trying to say is, does me wanting you to fuck me make this awkward?

Whoa, Kihyun thinks. He blushes at his own thoughts like a teenager, slapping a palm to his face just as Hoseok happens to swing the door open. Shirtless. Just like that, Kihyun's brain flicks off. 

Hoseok obliviously smiles at him, his cute little nose scrunching up. "Hey. Why didn't you just let yourself in?"

Kihyun wonders how he's only now aware that Hoseok has abs. "Guh," he accidentally utters.

"What?"

"Nothing," Kihyun quickly says. He pulls his eyes away from Hoseok's chest and then back to his chest, accidentally swiping his tongue over his lips, and then finally getting himself together enough to speak words that actually make sense. "Can I come in?"

Not that Kihyun really trusts himself in a room with a shirtless Hoseok without pouncing and straddling him to the floor.

"Of course," Hoseok smiles because that's what he does best and Kihyun wants to slap himself for being like this around cute boys. He can't even remember the last time he's actually wanted to be with a guy without only wanting him for sex and he's sure this is why he's so bad at this, liking someone entirely, feeling himself adoring and slowly falling in love with every single little thing them about them and so badly wanting all of it. 

Kihyun steps into Hoseok's flat, toeing off his shoes, and walks to his living room, wiping his sweaty palms on the thighs of his ripped jeans.

"Are you okay?" Hoseok asks, pulling a pack of cigarettes from the pocket of his shorts, and Kihyun's sure he's going to die now.

"Um, yeah," he mutters. "I—um, I need to ask you something."

"Okay."

Kihyun tries to remember what he planned to say to him, but Korean fails him completely, words jumbling around in his head, and he has no idea how he's supposed to tell him how he feels. "Do you want to go out with me tonight?" he blurts.

Hoseok contemplates this, teeth chewing at his lips and fluttering Kihyun's heart. "Go out where?"

"To an American diner," Kihyun slowly tells him. He can't believe Hoseok is so nonchalant about this, in complete contrast to the thoughts Kihyun had of him getting uncomfortable, even running away. "My friend with the allergies works there and, you know, I'd like if you could come with me."

"It'd be a date, right?"

"Yeah, a date."

Kihyun smiles too, and finally exhales for the first time since Hoseok showed up in front of the door, shirtless and beautiful and... shirtless. "Okay."

. . .

Eight o'clock, Kihyun's standing across from Hoseok's door again, wondering why he put on a black jacket in the beginning of June and wondering if he looks as terrible as he thinks he does and wondering if maybe he should cancel this date altogether and run away into his flat like the little coward he is. But Hoseok pulls open the door seconds after Kihyun knocks, like he's been waiting for him. He's smiling brightly like always, brown hair pushed into a beanie, his legs pulled into loose black jeans. Kihyun smiles at Hoseok's jacket, black like his own, with a grey tee shirt peeking from underneath.

"Hey," Hoseok greets, so happy and nonchalant, stepping out from his flat and locking the door behind himself. Kihyun feels like an idiot, insides twisting and turning and flipping over. He wonders how much longer he'll last before he throws up.

"Hi."

"Are you okay?" he asks. Kihyun doesn't get the chance to answer before he's pressing a cool hand to his cheek, and then forehead, brows furrowed in concern. 

Kihyun feels even more nauseous under his touch, but somehow forces himself to nod anyway with anxious fingers tugging at the sleeves of his jacket.  "Yeah, I'm fine. Let's go."

And then his heart is taking off. Kihyun feels as if he's mere seconds from emerging into a building bursting of flames. His car sits in the parking lot neglected and untouched for months, and Kihyun feels himself numbing, his fingers trembling even from just the thought of tightening them around a steering wheel. His footsteps are slow and reluctant, soaking up every second that he's not near the car, brown eyes glued to his boots. He wonders if Hoseok can hear how hard his heart is beating behind his rib cage right now, but he's sure Japan can hear how hard his heart is beating right now.

"Look at the sky," Hoseok suddenly says, voice soft. He tips his head back, looking up to the darkness above him. Kihyun obliges and glances at the stars and the moon and the dark sky, his mouth dry. "I wonder how many people are looking up at the same sky, or the same star. It's crazy how small humans are when you think about it."

"I've never thought about that before," Kihyun admits. He glances over to the older boy, Hoseok's eyes swimming with wanderlust.

"I want to travel one day," Hoseok confesses. "After you become an idol."

Kihyun pauses in front of the car, shaky hands pulling the key chain from his pocket and unlocking the doors with a click of a button. Hoseok nonchalantly climbs inside. Kihyun envies him.

"I'm still hooked up on that singing thing, you know," Hoseok informs him, a teasing smile on his lips. Kihyun thinks if he could feel right now he'd find it cute, maybe it'd even warm his cheeks up a bit. "And I'd like to mention how you still haven't sung for me."

"I will," the younger boy breathes, "one day."

"Good enough, I guess."

Kihyun rests his unsteady hands on the steering wheel and deeply inhales, exhales, inhales, staring holes at the apartment complex through the windshield. Kihyun can see himself scurrying out of the car, racing up the staircase into his flat and safe from the road.

"Um, Kihyun-ah?"

"Yes?"

"Are you going to start the car?" Hoseok asks. An amused smile is tugging at his perfect lips and really, Kihyun feels so fucking stupid.

He hesitantly nods. "Right."

Shaky hands push the key into the ignition, the unexpected sound of the vehicle starting causing him to jump. He looks over to Hoseok questioningly studying him and sheepishly smiles, hoping he'd understand everything is all right. Because everything is. It's just a car. There's nothing to be afraid of.

But Kihyun is so afraid.

He looks ahead, and suddenly that night comes rushing back in a spin of memories: him helping Minhyuk into his car, Kihyun laughing too hard at the nonsense his friend's slurring to buckle him in his seat belt, speeding down the road and rapping along with Minhyuk and the radio, too happy and too drunk and too much everything before, suddenly, that moment is ripped away from him. There's no more laughing, there's no more music, there's no more light, and there's no more Minhyuk.

Kihyun yanks the key out, blankly staring ahead a the steering wheel, each breath heavy and uneven. The car suffocates him. He no longer wants to be inside it, or anywhere near. His mind is screaming at him to do something—something like running out of the house and crawling under the darkness of his bed and drinking until he's numb. More numb than he is now.

"Kihyun-ah?"

"I'm sorry, I can't," he whispers, running a fidgety hand through his dark hair.

"Kihyun-ah," Hoseok softly calls, as if he speaks any louder Kihyun will shatter before him.

"I'm sorry," he repeats. "I'm so sorry." And then he can't stop apologizing, like maybe wherever Minhyuk is, he could hear him and forgive him and maybe then Kihyun wouldn't feel so shitty all the time.

"Kihyun-ah," he carefully calls again, "I don't understand."

Kihyun feels as if he's close to tears, or maybe he's already in tears. Kihyun's not sure. But he's positive Hoseok probably thinks he's an idiot and doesn't know why he even agreed to go on a date with him. Kihyun doesn't even know why he agreed to go on a date with him. "I'm too scared," he says.

"Scared of what?"

"Driving," Kihyun tells him, his cheeks heating in anxiety. He wishes he weren't so ridiculous, he wishes every single thing that left his mouth didn't sound so ridiculous. "Dying."

"Dying?" Hoseok's brows shoot up in surprise, like he's never heard of the word before. Kihyun wouldn't be surprised. He's always so happy, something Kihyun can't even imagine himself being.

The older boy reaches a warm hand to the driver's seat, gently resting it on his shaky knee.

Kihyun feels weak and stupid and annoying. "Yeah, I know. I'm pathetic. I'm sorry."

"You're fine," Hoseok frowns. "Give me the keys, I'll drive us. I just need directions."

Hesitantly, Kihyun's reaching out to him, placing the keys in Hoseok's palm before pushing the car door open back to the June weather. He shamefully walks over to the other side, ignoring whatever look the taller boy shoots him once they swap sides. Kihyun straps his seat belt on as soon as he climbs in, tightening his fingers around it like the drive to Minhyuk's funeral.

"Can I turn the radio on?" Hoseok asks once they're settled inside. The vehicle carefully backs out of the parking lot and takes off down the road, Kihyun sucking in a breath with a nod and looking to his lap as the car floods with music. 

"Take a left here," he mumbles.

Hoseok follows his instructions and Kihyun looks over. It's almost unreal, how he's happy again. Smiling, humming along to the radio and drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. Kihyun wonders how he does it. How does he manage to be so happy all the time? There must be some kind of secret method to it, and he wants to be let in on it. He wants to be all right and carefree and always, always smiling, even when a boy leaves him for a girl he'd only known for two weeks.

"I love your car," Hoseok randomly tells him, moving his head side-to-side to the beat flowing from the radio. "I'm stealing it in your sleep."

Kihyun lets out a laugh. "Well, if it's gone one night at least I'll know who took it."

And then Kihyun kind of forgets he's scared of driving and how nervous he is about this date, and he's freely babbling like how he's used to, comfortable and laughing and joking around with him, like he's known Hoseok forever. He likes them like this better, even though sometimes Kihyun thinks Hoseok probably gets tired of hearing him talk so much. But he can never tell whether he's annoying him or not. Hoseok just smiles.

Soon, they're out of the car and walking into the diner, facing each other in a  red booth. Kihyun feels that annoying twisting in his stomach again, nervous and pessimistic and terrified of fucking things up, but he's sure things are going to go well, because it's Hoseok. With Hoseok, even when things go wrong, things go well.

"So," Kihyun says, rolling up the sleeves of his jacket to his elbows, "regret this yet?"

Hoseok furrows his brows at the question. "Regret what?"

"This," he elaborates, motioning towards the booth and the two of them.

"Of course not." The older boy smiles again, but he still looks confused. "It's just me, Kihyun-ah. The same person you've known for five months. Stop thinking so much and chill, okay?"

"I just... I..." Kihyun sheepishly smiles. "I just really like you."

Hoseok eyebrows relax and his smile widens as he pulls his bottom lip in between his two rows of perfect teeth. "I like you, too."

Kihyun's heart flutters and he puts his hand on the table, Hoseok placing a warm hand on top of his, and he thinks he could stay like this forever.

Two hundred years later, Hyungwon finally approaches the table (even though there's barely anyone inside the diner besides them) in the work uniform that makes him look twelve-years-old. They both order (Hoseok, a vegetarian sandwich and soda; Kihyun, two cheeseburgers, two plates of pie, chips, and a chocolate milkshake—he's a growing man, okay—before their food and drinks eventually come and for the first time since their hands touched, they hesitantly pull away from each other to eat.

"This is for me and you," Kihyun says, pushing the milkshake in between the two of them.

Hoseok doesn't hesitate to unwrap a second straw. "You know exactly what I want," he smiles. "I know what you want too."

"And what's that?"

"A singing career." Kihyun face palms. "What? I am trying to craft your future!"

"Give it up, hyung. My future is already crafted."

He squirts extra ketchup on his burger. "I just can't imagine you as a doctor."

"Why? Am I not doctor-y enough for you?"

Hoseok laughs. "Maybe," he says, "it's just—I don't know. It just didn't seem as if it's you."

"And what is me?"

"Art," he says. Kihyun pauses. "You are art."

They lock eyes for a moment, and it almost looks like Hoseok's seeing him, _really_ seeing him for the first time. Kihyun feels his insides burning and melting away, but he likes it, loves the weird feelings Hoseok always gives him. He wishes he could crawl on top of the table and kiss him, right here, right now. 

"You're such a manager," Kihyun tells him, smiling. 

"Thank you," Hoseok nods and smiles back at him, pointing a finger to the cup in front of them, two red and white striped straws sticking out of the top. "Can I try this milkshake?"

"Hell yes." They both lean in at the same time and giggle like little kids at how close they are. Kihyun takes the first sip, and then Hoseok, as if he's waiting for some confirmation that it's not gross.

"Holy shit," Hoseok gasps, sipping from his straw again. "This is like... like... I don't know, but I like it."

Kihyun laughs at the whip cream on his nose. "There's whip cream on your face, idiot."

Hoseok flicks his straw at the younger boy, sending a chunk of whip cream underneath his eye. "Oh look, you do too."

"You asshole." Kihyun laughs. He flashes him a devious smile, suddenly shoving the milkshake forehead and into Hoseok's lap. 

The older boy gasps and jumps up from his seat, backing away from the table as the drink slowly slides down his legs. Kihyun bursts into laughter.

"Oh, man, you did not just do that," Hoseok says before he's dumping soda on his head and Kihyun's smacking a slice of pie in his face and then they're chasing each other around the restaurant, lunging the rest of their food at each other, carelessly laughing and screaming like children until they kind of end up getting kicked out of the restaurant.

But it's okay, because they leave holding hands too.

. . .

_Go a day without drinking (Just try it ^^)_

Kihyun has another dream about Minhyuk.

He sits alone on the staircase of the apartment complex. Thin snowflakes are falling from the dark sky, and the temperature is below freezing although Kihyun's only wearing a tee shirt and sweat pants, like all winter long. But the cold, he barely feels. Everything hurts and his face is buried in his hands and he's sobbing so hard his ribs feel as if they'll crack, and all he can think about is _Minhyuk Minhyuk Minhyuk._  

He tries stopping the tears and tries peeling himself away from the staircase, but he feels frozen in his position, and he's too weak to try and too weak to be strong and all he can do is just sit there and cry. And then someone is interrupting his sobs, repeatedly tapping him on a shoulder and somehow the unexpected touch sends a shiver through his spine. Kihyun looks up, having to wipe the tears from his eyes to see if who he's seeing is actually who he's seeing. And he doesn't know how he should feel when he realizes it is. Minhyuk is standing over him, alive. And angry.

"Minhyuk-ah?" Kihyun weakly whispers.

"Why are you crying?" he snaps. "You don't deserve to cry."

Kihyun tries speaking, but his mouth snaps shut, unable to utter any words.

"You don't deserve to cry, Kihyun-ah. You killed me. I had a whole life ahead of me, and what did you have? You deserve to be in my place. You deserved to die," he spats, and Kihyun feels tears building up in his eyes again, because he agrees with him. He agrees with every word he says. "Have you ever had everything suddenly ripped away from you? Huh, Kihyun-ah?"

He wants to say yes. He wants to tell him ever since the day his best friend's heart stopped he's been drowning and he feels like he has nothing and he feels like he is nothing. But he can't speak.

"I have so many friends and a loving family and a future, and now I've been taken away from all of it. Because of you." Kihyun's heart beat quickens. _"I hate you."_

The words sting, and tears drip from Kihyun's cheeks. He shakes his head and tries to stop them from flowing, because he doesn't deserve to cry. He killed his friend.

"I hate you," Minhyuk says louder, almost as if he's roaring. Kihyun finally takes control of his legs and he jumps up from the staircase, running down the steps. He doesn't know where he's going, but he knows he just has to get away from those words. But Minhyuk appears again, brown eyes narrowed and mean, waiting from him as he turns to head out of the apartment, and he tells him again: "I hate you."

Kihyun runs down the street, heart wildly thumping, legs aching trying to get away from his dead friend and those venomous words, but he can't. Minhyuk is everywhere, angry and dead and screaming those three little words at him: _I hate you I hate you I hate you._

He wakes up with the sheets thrown off the bed and he's crying. He can't feel, he can't breathe, he can't think. All he hears is Minhyuk shouting at him and telling him how much he hates him and Kihyun keeps on crying, because each time he hears it, the bullet somehow hits a little bit harder than the first.

He pulls his body out of the bed and drags himself to the washroom, his weak legs almost giving up on him. His knees buckle and he sinks to the tiled floor, crying even harder, fist tightening around his dark hair and tugging until his scalp burns. He needs to drink. His fingers tingle, needing to wrap themselves around a bottle, and his body craves the warmth and comfort it gives him, like a little hug. A little hug that he needs. 

Kihyun grabs onto the sink and lifts himself up from the floor onto his wobbly legs, not even bothering to glance at himself in the mirror. He tries walking into his bedroom, and then he stops when he notices the lonely box cutter on his dresser. He doesn't remember redirecting himself, but suddenly he's stumbling over to the dresser and pulling the box cutter off of it. And as he tattoos a little bloody ragged heart on his wrist, Minhyuk's _I hate yous_ are pounding in his head, beating against his eardrums, and Kihyun thinks: _I hate me, too._

. . .

As soon as Kihyun's fist meets the door, regret instantly twists in his stomach, and he wants to run away before Hoseok opens it, but his legs can't seem to work. He has no idea how he ended up outside of his apartment, barefoot and teary-eyed, just like he's not sure about how he ends up a lot of places, or doing a lot of things. It just happens. Things always just happen with him. Kihyun's starting to hate it.

The door swings open to soft music and Hoseok, wide awake and softly smiling with a cigarette between his two fingers. Kihyun doesn't know how to explain why he's here. Hell, he doesn't even know why he's here. He doesn't know anything.

"I should probably go grab the cocoa," Hoseok says, obliviously wrapping his fingers around Kihyun's injured wrist and pulling the smaller boy into his flat. Kihyun winces at the contact to his cut. "You should've just let yourself in."

"I need a drink," Kihyun panics. "Fuck, I need a drink so bad. I thought I had beer left, but it's gone." He runs his hands through his hair, tightening his fist around his black locks. "It's all fucking gone."

"Kihyun-ah." Hoseok gently places his hand to his shoulder. "Breathe."

Kihyun wants to argue that he can't breathe. He feels like something is tightening around his throat, choking him and pressing down on his chest. But he doesn't bother to speak. Instead, he listens, closing his eyes and deeply inhaling, exhaling, inhaling until he feels Hoseok's chest to his face and his arms snaking around his torso.

"Everything is going to be okay," Hoseok promises. Kihyun pushes himself onto his tippy-toes, burying his face in his neck, breathing in his scent of apples and cigarettes. "You're fine without it."

But he isn't. He's insane without it, empty and grumpy and sad without it.

Kihyun pulls away, lowering his gaze to avoid Hoseok's eyes. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"No, I'm a mess," he mumbles, shaking his head and running a hand through his hair. "I'm always a mess, and you always have to clean everything up. I'm a burden, hyung."

Hoseok smiles and smooths Kihyun's messy hair down, flattening a hand to his cheek. "You're wrong," he tells him.

For once, Kihyun kind of believes it.

"C'mon," Hoseok says, taking a hold of Kihyun hand. He relaxes, his hand tightening around Hoseok's. He loves the way his hands feels against his, warm and soft and Hoseok.

He leads him towards a bedroom. It's small and crowded, white walls decorated with posters and photographs and quotes and concert tickets and songs lyrics i a large collage. The TV in his bedroom—the only light source in the room, barely illuminating the large bed in his room—is on a music station.

Hoseok pulls him to his bed, the largest thing in the whole entire room, stepping over text books and stuffed animals. There's black and white sheets on the mattress and Ramyun's lying down, resting at the foot.

"Get in," Hoseok instructs, pulling a corner of the bed sheets back and motioning towards the opening. Kihyun doesn't bother hesitating to follow his orders. The sheets are warm and Hoseok's scent lingers. He drops his cigarette in a soda can resting on his nightstand and brushes a thumb to Kihyun's jawline. "I'll be right back, okay?"

Kihyun pouts. "Please stay. I don't want to be alone."

He smiles, pulling his hand away from his face before he's climbing in underneath the bed sheets beside him and snuggling into the smaller boy's side. Kihyun automatically wraps his arm around him, holding him to his chest as close as he can and combing his fingers through Hoseok's fluffy hair.

"Do you want to talk?" Hoseok asks.

"About what?"

"About everything that's going on up here," he replies, tapping a finger to Kihyun's temple.

It's tempting, so tempting, especially with Hoseok looking up at him with these trusting brown eyes and so much concern that makes Kihyun want to suddenly let him in. He wants all the dark corners to come spilling out to him, even if they don't make sense, even if Hoseok judges him. He doesn't want to be alone with his thoughts and his feelings anymore. He wants to tell Hoseok about Minhyuk and the list Jooheon gave him and why the thought of driving paralyzes him and his drinking problem and how unhappiness has always been wrapped around his shoulders like a cloak, even before his friend's heart stopped beating.

But he doesn't. He can't. He's not ready to hear how sorry Hoseok is about how shitty his life is and have him breathing down his neck every second, like he's a little, troubled child that needs guidance in life. Hoseok's the only person who hasn't met the drunk-shaking-and-sobbing-and grieving him. He's the only person who doesn't know he's missing his other half, because he'll only ever know him without Minhyuk. And Kihyun's not really sure who this without Minhyuk person he is, but he isn't exactly terrible, like the drunk Kihyun that slept with guys for the fun of it and never called them back the next day and disappeared for a month, because his friend didn't like the fact he tried weed one time (maybe two times, maybe three, more like seven, whatever) or the drunk Kihyun that killed his friend and pushed away all his family and friends and became friendly with alcohol and depression.

It's rather nice having someone in his life that can craft a new him, a better him, without ever having to meet the initial, tragic him first.

So Kihyun just shakes his head, telling his faltering walls not today, and boarding up his windows again. "It's nothing."

He can tell Hoseok doesn't believe him by the way he just looks at him, his brown eyes seeing right through the facade like Kihyun's transparent. But he's Hoseok's, so he doesn't argue, just softly smiles and accepts his answer for now, burying his face into Kihyun's tee shirt and wrapping his arms around the younger boy's torso.

Kihyun tightens his grip around him, resting his chin in his headful of brown hair and asking himself if he's happy or sad. Maybe both. But he doesn't have a chance to think about it as his eyes land on the collage Hoseok's put together on the wall of his bedroom, and then he's falling asleep.

. . .

_Stay inside all day (it can actually be fun!!!)_

Rain pours down from outside, softly beating down on the roof and waking Kihyun from his sleep. He forgets where he is at first, taking in the unfamiliar small bedroom before he remembers last night, and for once, he doesn't wake up with bad memories flooding his mind. All the bad things are concealed by the good things: being with Hoseok and cuddling him and falling asleep with him and how last night was the most comfortable he's ever fell asleep. He wishes he could fall asleep like that every night, in Hoseok's arms and Hoseok in his.

Kihyun pulls himself into a sitting position, wondering where Hoseok went and why he's waking up without him before he realizes Hoseok's messy room is organised. The carpet is clear of skateboards and textbooks and the desk is free of the keyboard and replaced with neatly stacks of paper and more textbooks that seem to make up Hoseok's entire house. He wonders how he slept through all of Hoseok's cleaning. Usually the slightest sound or movement wakes him. But then he remembers he hasn't slept for longer than three hours for five months, and those hours were always shit.

He stands up from the bed, stretching and letting out a yawn before he's walking to the kitchen, happily humming a tune he's never even heard before. He instantly walks over to the fridge, wondering if he should think of something to cook for Hoseok, but when he pulls open the refrigerator, it's like he forgets where he is and who he is, his eyes entirely looking past the food and landing on a pack of beer instead. It's light, and Kihyun doesn't even really like beer, but he doesn't have a chance to think before an opened can is in hand and pressed to his lips. He swallows it down in one messy gulp, like it's water and he's been dehydrated for months. Kihyun wipes off the alcohol drizzling down his mouth and chin on the back of his hand, and even though he doesn't think he needs or even wants another can, he's already popping a second can open, the terrible taste traveling down his throat.

The door opens, but Kihyun doesn't hear a thing as he's throwing his head back again, downing another drink. It's only until Hoseok's already freed Ramyun from her leash, the dog happily shaking her fur dry, that Kihyun realizes he's not alone anymore. His cheeks automatically burst into flames, and he slowly turns to Hoseok dressed in clothing soaked from the rain.

"When did you wake up?" Hoseok asks, eyeing the five cans unconsciously dropped to Kihyun's feet.

Kihyun hurriedly gathers the empty cans and shamefully scrambles to drop them in the bin. He doesn't even know how he did it, doesn't even know how he finished a full pack in two minutes. "A while ago," he replies.

"Oh," Hoseok says, hanging Ramyun's leash on a coat rack.

"I—" Kihyun tries. He shakes his head and starts over again: "About this—"

Hoseok buries his hands in his pockets and slowly steps into the kitchen to join him, softly smiling, like he feels sorry for him, and Kihyun's frustrated because everyone looks at him like that, but never Hoseok. "You don't have to explain anything to me, Kihyun-ah," he says.

"I know." He runs a hand through his hair. "I should probably get going."

And then he thinks that's a terrible idea because Hoseok somehow helped him through a day without drinking and Kihyun's just going to drink a whole pack of his beer and leave.

"Right now?" Hoseok whines. He takes a hold of Kihyun's hand, lips pushing into a cute pout. "Stay! We could dance around again!"

"Hmm, I don't know," Kihyun teases.

"We could stay in bed and cuddle." Hoseok wiggles his brows. Kihyun lets out a laugh and flicks him between the brows, earning another childish pout. 

"You're such a dork."

"A sexy dork," he corrects with a body roll. Kihyun shoves him and Hoseok laughs, dropping his hand and disappearing into the living room. Kihyun follows him. He thinks it's too easy to.

"Nah, I'm pretty sure you're just a dork."

Hoseok plops down onto the couch, sprawling his limbs all over it. "So," he says, smirking up at Kihyun, "I take this as you're staying."

"Guess so." He shrugs and sits on the floor beside the couch, resting his head on it and closing his eyes. "I don't have anywhere else better to go. Except every other place on Earth."

"Oh, please," Hoseok says, "you love being around me. I bet you can't stand being away from me."

"I can stand being away from you, but... I guess it doesn't mean I want to be."

Hoseok tackles Kihyun into a tight hug that cuts off any sort of air circulation in his body, and he's pretty sure he's rose Hoseok's Hulk ego through the roof and all the way up past the clouds, but he doesn't really mind. In such a compromising position, you can't really complain about anything. 

. . .

"God, do you have any happy songs up here?" Kihyun asks, scrolling through a long list of song titles he's never seen by artists he's never heard of on Hoseok's phone. After a long, depressing hour of listening to Hoseok's playlist on shuffle, and every song consisting of a slow, eerie tune and depressed or angry vocalists, he feels like he's going to lose his mind. Definitely not something he expected from someone who smiles so much. He wonders what other unexpected things Hoseok's into.

Hoseok lets out a laugh, peeling his eyes from the screen of the TV. "Go to my happy playlist then, Einstein."

"There's literally only seven songs on here," he complains before clicking shuffle and once again another slow tune fills the room. Kihyun slowly looks up from Hoseok's phone and glares.

"Be patient, it's going to speed up," Hoseok claims, his eyes connecting to his book again. Kihyun fakes a yawn and falls back onto Hoseok's bed as some girl with a high-pitched voice begins the song, slowly and well, sadly. "It's coming," he warns him.

"Oh, wow, a drum beat. This song definitely lifts my spirits."

Hoseok glares at him. "Just wait for it."

_Put me on a shelf, discipline myself to let the sparks die out..._

"Wow," Kihyun stares at Hoseok's phone in mock disbelief, "I'm impressed."

Hoseok laughs as the song falls back to the verse and he finally gives up on the TV's drama, lying on his side and sliding himself under Kihyun's arm. "I'm full of surprises," he tells him, sending Kihyun's stomach into a somersault. 

Kihyun absently plays with Hoseok's hair, feeling a sudden urge to kiss him. But this urge, it doesn't even want to kiss his lips. It wants to kiss his forehead and his cheeks and his jawline and his cute little nose. And for some reason, he wants to tell him. He wants to tell Hoseok how beautiful he is and how he drives him mad and every word that comes from his mouth melts all over Kihyun's body and his insides and makes him into this large puddle of lovestruck, and he wants to tell him how much he doesn't mind it. But instead he bumps his nose against Hoseok's, like maybe that small gesture will tell him more than Kihyun's words ever could.

The older boy laughs and Kihyun laughs, and then somewhere during this Hoseok's small hand reaches out to Kihyun's face, tracing a finger over the little scar above his eyebrow.

"I still like this," Hoseok tells him.

Kihyun doesn't understand how. It's not even big and scary with a bad ass story behind it. "You're weird."

He smiles widely, like Kihyun had just complimented him. "I know."

"But I like you," he finds himself adding, seeing this as the chance to slide his hand into Hoseok's palm. Ever since their fingers intertwined after they were kicked out the diner, Kihyun has felt this need to hold his hand like that again. He wonders if it's weird for your heart to feel like it's going to pound right out of his chest just by holding someone's hand, but even if it is, Kihyun doesn't really care. "And I like everything about you, even if you're a nerd and you listen to shit music and your dance moves are pathetic."

"Ya," Hoseok smiles, "that's what makes it fun."

. . . 

_Go skinny dipping in a lake_

Kihyun knocks on Hoseok's door twice and waits three seconds before bringing his fist back to the door once (the lame knock the two boys had made up so they'd know who's on the other side of the door) before he pulls Hoseok's key from under his stupid doormat and lets himself inside, instantly welcomed to the sound of a strumming guitar.

He invites himself into Hoseok room, smiling wide at the brown-haired boy seated on the edge of the bed, guitar in hands as he deliberately reads sheet music laid out in front of him with furrowed brows. Kihyun plops down on the bed beside him, placing a heavy basket he's holding on his lap. "You've never told me you play guitar."

"I don't exactly play," Hoseok slowly replies, strumming a note that rings an unnatural sound through the room. He winces. "I'm learning."

"What are you playing?"

"Yesterday."

"The Beatles?"

He smiles at the sheet music. "Yeah."

"Would it hurt to interrupt your guitar playing with a very cheesy date?" Kihyun motions towards the basket in his lap that instantly catches Hoseok's attention.

He pulls his hands away from the instrument, eyeing the basket in the smaller boy's lap. "This very cheesy date doesn't happen to involve food, does it?"

"It does," Kihyun nods

"Oh, man"—Hoseok jumps up from the bed, lips spread in a smile—"it wouldn't hurt at all. I'm so fucking hungry."

"I was hoping you were going to say that."

"Let me go get dressed," Hoseok tells him, even though he looks perfectly fine with a simple white tee shirt and sweatpants, but Kihyun lets him disappear into his closet before he's disappearing into the washroom to change.

Kihyun sets the basket aside and pulls himself onto his feet, aimlessly wandering around Hoseok's room out boredom, scanning the photos the older boy hung on his walls as he passes: Hoseok graduating, thirteen-fourteenish Hoseok in a group photo with three other guys, sixteenish Hoseok smiling with a mouthful of braces and his arm around some girl, sixteenish Hoseok photobombing the same girl's selfie. As Kihyun glances around his crowded wall, he realizes he sees her face in a lot more photos where both of them look younger. Soon, it's like a scavenger hunt for him and Kihyun searches for her face in every photo.

The door finally opens and Hoseok steps out from the washroom in a grey tee shirt and black jeans. Kihyun suddenly feels like he should've worn something better besides a tee shirt and denim jacket he's only a little sure is clean and a pair of blue shorts he never knew existed in his closet. But then he feels ridiculous for thinking that, because Hoseok's not wearing anything different than what he usually does, and when did he start even caring what he wore? "Okay, I'm ready," Kihyun tells him, running a hand through his hair and pulling on a pair of Converse shoes.

Kihyun takes a whiff of Hoseok, smiling as the taller boy joins him at the side of the bed. "Did you seriously put on cologne?"

He shrugs in response, lips tugging into a smile. "I like to smell nice."

"We're going to a lake, hyung."

"I still like to smell nice."

The young boy rolls his eyes before returning them to the gigantic collage on Hoseok's wall. "Who is this girl?" he questions, pointing to a picture of twelveish Hoseok and her at the beach, both frowning at the camera.

"My sister," he replies. His voice is strange, far away. Kihyun's never heard him speak like that before.

He darts his eyes over to Hoseok, looking at the photo with a blank stare. "Oh, well, that makes a lot of sense. She's in every photo you have up here."

Hoseok gulps. "Yeah," he says before he's pulling a smile on his face, a very not-Hoseok smile. Kihyun wonders what he did to make him so uncomfortable. What was so bad about his sister that she made him act so unlike himself? And if there was something about her Hoseok didn't like talking about, why was she taped all over his wall?

"Anyway, we have a cheesy date to get to," Kihyun reminds him, taking a hold of Hoseok's hand and intertwining their fingers. And then everything falls back into normalcy again, the older boy finally smiling like Hoseok and finally speaking like Hoseok before they're saying goodbye to Ramyun and leaving the flat.

. . .

Kihyun can't remember what it's like to not hold Hoseok's hand. Their fingers are always interlaced: when Hoseok's driving, when they're walking, when they're eating, every minute they're breathing. He's pretty sure if he ever didn't want to hold Hoseok's hand he wouldn't be able to. But that'd never happen, especially now when Kihyun feels like he's been glued to him. They're walking down the dock to the lake, Hoseok's arm wrapped around Kihyun's shoulders and holding his hand as he carries the basket with his free one.

"I love this already," Hoseok comments, looking ahead at the orange sun inches away from disappearing behind the tall trees.

Kihyun smiles. "I knew you would."

They both plop down on the edge of the dock with the food basket placed between the two of them. Hoseok's hands instantly find the latch of the basket, trying to quickly undo the buckle before Kihyun's swatting his hands away. The older boy pouts. "I'm hungry!" he whines.

Kihyun laughs. "You're so greedy."

"Says the one who ordered every meal on the menu on our first date."

"Shut up," he says, pulling the basket open. A hand disappears inside and reappears with a daisy. 

Hoseok smiles. "Are you serious?"

"I'm serious." Hoseok laughs, letting him push the flower into his hair. 

"How do I look? Am I pretty now?"

"You're always pretty."

Hoseok chuckles at this and mumbles a thanks. "Can we eat now?" he asks, that seemingly being all he's worried about. Kihyun rolls his eyes and pulls out two containers of gimbap. 

"Aw, Kihyun-ah, did you make this?"

A smug smile instantly finds its way on the younger boy's face. "Yeah, I cook a little bit."

Their hands end up finding each other again as they eat and watch the sunset together in silence. Kihyun's favorite thing about being with Hoseok is just being able to sit with him in silence, hands interlaced, as they think together, soaking up the seconds of being together. It's not until night falls when they talk to each other, Hoseok feeding Kihyun spoonfuls of cake, their soft laughs mixing together in a meaningless conversation. Kihyun has to constantly remind himself to keep his hands away from Hoseok when their fingers aren't intertwined. But it seems to be beyond his control. Whenever Hoseok talks or whenever Kihyun's talks, it's like Kihyun's hand has this reflex to rest on his thigh or his knee. And he never knows how in the hell it ends up there.

"We should go for a swim," Kihyun suggests when he realizes they've just been sitting on the dock for two hours doing absolutely nothing. He'd already planned this part out, packing towels for the two of them and all.

"Good idea," Hoseok tells him with a smile, standing up from his sitting position and instantly pulling his shirt over his head. He gets stuck for a second before his hair pops out from top and he's chucking it on the dock.

Kihyun tries not to melt as his eyes take in Hoseok's bare torso once again. "I was thinking that we could swim naked."

His angelic laugh echoes throughout the lake as he pulls the flower from his hair. "You're serious?"

"I'm serious." The younger boy stands to his legs, pulling his tee shirt over his head and throwing it in a pile along with Hoseok's shirt. He wiggles from his shorts next, Hoseok working to unbutton his own jeans, before allowing them to drop around his ankles.

"Nice view," Hoseok comments.

Kihyun's cheeks burn. He turns away from him. "Stop looking at me," he says, staring holes into the shimmering water beneath his feet.

"Oh, please, we both know I'm going to end up seeing you naked someday."

"You've thought about it?"

"All the time." Kihyun doesn't know if he's joking or not, but he laughs anyway.

"Okay, I'm going in," he tells him, stripping his boxers to his ankles and kicking it in the pile before he's running and diving into the lake. He mentally swears at how cold the water feels against his bare skin until he swims around, testing it and deciding he likes the coolness. He swims back to the surface as Hoseok's splashing in after him causing him to laugh as his hyung's head pops back up from under the lake, brown hair soaked and shielding his eyes.

"Fuck!" Hoseok screams, his voice echoing throughout the darkness surrounding them. Kihyun bursts into laughter. "It's fucking cold in here!"

"Language," Kihyun sings, swimming circles around him.

Hoseok runs a hand through his wet hair and splashes him. "Shut the fuck up," he says, flashing a smile to the younger boy. Kihyun lets out a laugh before he's inhaling and diving back under.

He thought it'd feel strange swimming naked with the guy he's been infatuated with for what seems like forever. But it doesn't. It feels quite normal, actually. Kihyun ends up forgetting they're naked and they just talk, floating around in the water and being little kids, chasing each other and splashing around. After a while, Hoseok announces he's getting out and disappears underwater as Kihyun comfortably lies on his back, staring up at the moonlight and floating.

He thinks and he realizes that he's actually sort of happy, like the dream where he was driving through the thin snow, relaxed and content except when he looks over there isn't a dead Minhyuk. There's just the dark sky and trees and the water, glinting from the moonlight. Kihyun thinks of his best friend and smiles, wishing that he could be here with him. He wishes Minhyuk could meet Hoseok. He wishes that after tonight he could go running home to his friend, snuggle up with him on the couch underneath a large blanket and tell him how happy Hoseok makes him, how he feels himself falling more and more each day. 

But Kihyun shakes the thought from his head and swims back to the dock, wrapping one of the towels around from his waist. Hoseok's sits there waiting for him, a towel around his waist too, and a cigarette in his lips from the pocket of his jeans. Kihyun smiles when he plops down beside him and notices the daisy pushed back into his wet hair. 

"What?" Hoseok asks, glancing over and smiling back at the younger boy.

"Nothing," Kihyun replies, shaking his head and dropping his chin to his shoulder. "You're just beautiful, that's all."

Hoseok laughs. "Stop it."

Kihyun pulls his chin away from his shoulder and watches his face, his brown eyes staring ahead at the lake, his wet hair pushed away from his face and his lips exhaling a cloud of smoke. The smaller boy's hand brushes a few strands of wet hair from Hoseok's forehead and slides down his face until his chin is cupped in it. He doesn't really know what he's doing or how his hand ended up there, but he doesn't have time to think about it before he's leaning into him and Hoseok's leaning into him too, until the gap between them is filled and their lips are pressed together.

His mouth knocks all the air out of him, his own name and birthday and reason to exist completely erased from his mind as his hand finds the back of Hoseok's neck and Hoseok's arms find their way around Kihyun's waist. The world pauses and the stars align and the sound of Kihyun's heartbeat pounds against his eardrums. He doesn't really care if Hoseok can hear, or if the world can hear, doesn't even care if his heart beats so hard it stops, because the only thing on his mind is capturing this moment forever and remembering the sweet taste of Coke and cigarettes on his tongue.

. . . 

_Take a drive and get lost_

"Stop smiling so hard, you're making my stomach hurt," Hyungwon says, scrunching his face up in disgust at his friend grinning at him from across the room. Kihyun lets out a laugh and willingly face-plants onto Hyungwon's bed, rolling around in the sheets like he's in a field of flowers. He knows he's being ridiculous, but he doesn't really care. In fact, he likes being ridiculously happy. There's no controlling it anyway. Hoseok's happiness is so infectious he can't manage to shake it off even when he isn't around him.

"Hoseok and I kissed, Hyungwon-ah," Kihyun grins, rolling over on his back and looking up to his friend's ceiling. "We went on another date and he kissed me. Or I kissed him. It doesn't matter how it went down, we kissed, and that's all I care about."

Hyungwon glances up from his phone. "You didn't get kicked out another diner, did you?"

Kihyun lets out laugh and sits up from his bed. "Unfortunately, no. We were really disappointed, though, that was the highlight of our date."

"I'm sure it was."

"I wish I could talk to Minhyuk about this," he admits aloud, suddenly feeling a wave of sadness washing over him. He looks down at his hands and nervously fiddles with his fingers, suddenly feeling terrible for feeling this happy when his friend died, when he killed his own friend. "I wish I could just talk to him. Hear his voice again."

"You should visit his grave."

Kihyun shakes his head. "It'd be no use," he says. "He's not even buried under his gravestone like he should be. His ashes were dumped out in the ocean."

"Why do you have to say it like that?" he sighs. "It was a peaceful process. If you came maybe you'd know."

Kihyun rolls his eyes. It still doesn't make the fact Minhyuk is a part of the earth now any better. And he doesn't even really understand why his parents chose the fucking ocean. Well, yeah, he gets the beach was where Minhyuk and his family used to go to every Saturday during the summer, but at the same time, only Kihyun knows that that was also where Minhyuk was dumped by his two-year boyfriend. He's pretty sure Minhyuk didn't want to be apart of a place where his ex ended things and left him wrecked for months. But it's not like Kihyun can really do much about any of the things that happen with Minhyuk. "I still talk to him anyway. It's stupid, but I like to imagine he can still hear me. Sometimes I feel like he is listening to me talk. It feels kind of nice, I guess."

"I think he is," Kihyun tells him.

"Is what? Listening to me?"

"Yeah."

"Good." Hyungwon smiles, barely. "I'd rather have him here though."

Kihyun exhales through his mouth, soft and exasperated. "Yeah. Me too."

"But anyway," Hyungwon says, smiling slightly, "what were you saying about you and that guy?"

"Oh, yeah." Kihyun smiles widely again, pulling his legs up on Hyungwon's bed and crossing them Indian style. "He's so perfect. Everything about him is perfect: his lips, his nose, his eyes, his ass—"

"Uh?"

"Sorry," Kihyun laughs. "He's lovely, though, and he makes me really happy, Hyungwon-ah. I don't think someone has ever made me feel this way before."

"I can't believe this is the same cynical person I'd first met," Hyungwon says, placing his phone on the nightstand and actually looking directly at Kihyun. "When I got a boyfriend you told me that everyone is just going to die alone."

Kihyun's face heats up. He doesn't even remember ever telling him that, but he does remember thinking it before. Plenty of times, actually. But not only with Hyungwon. With everyone. He'd see people holding hands or see a couple kissing or hear about the people he went to school with already engaged, and he'd think they're idiots for trusting someone, for thinking that they could be with someone forever, to think the way they feel is the same as the one their with. Kihyun thought a lot of things, a lot of things he now thinks were probably wrong.

"I wasn't right," Kihyun admits.

This brings a smile to Hyungwon's lips as if hearing his friend confess he's not right about everything is music to his ears. "I know."

He thinks about how misdirected he used to be, how he was so tired of being alone that he just accepted that as his life. Kihyun still found things to try and feel like he wasn't alone, wasn't just another breathing and walking human being in the world like everyone else. But he always knew deep down that he was going to end up alone, and tried to convince everyone else they'd end up alone too without knowing he chose to be alone and closed off, without knowing he's the author of his own story and he's in control of writing it however he wants.

Kihyun jumps up from Hyungwon's bed with a smile. "I have to go."

"Why?" 

He's already halfway out Hyungwon's bedroom door before he replies behind himself, "There's something I need to do."

And then he's speeding out of the house.

. . .

It's dark by the time Kihyun gets to his and Minhyuk's flat. He searches through all the drawers in his room and the living room, letting out a disappointed breath of air when he doesn't find anything. He raids his closet and double checks all his drawers and then triple checks all his drawers and raids his closet again. Kihyun has no idea what he did with his car keys after Hoseok gave it back to him on their date. He's pretty sure he beat it with a hammer and threw it down the garbage disposal, because that's kind of what he felt like doing when Hoseok handed it back to him.

A smile widens on Kihyun's face when he finally spots his keys abandoned on the little plate on the countertop in the kitchen. He doesn't know how he didn't remember throwing it up there, but he doesn't have time to think about it because he's already taking ahold of the key chain and racing out their apartment.

Hoseok is walking the opposite direction and Kihyun finds himself smiling at the sight of him, his mind suddenly wiped blank of what he'd even been leaving to do in the first place.

"Hey," Hoseok greets, smiling like how he does best. The same beanie he wore on their first date is on top of his curls, making him look more amazing than usual. Kihyun has no idea how a hat makes you want to kiss someone over and over again, but he wants to. Really badly. He doesn't even know if it's too early to kiss him again, he doesn't know if he's supposed to wait a couple days before their lips are crashing together again, doesn't even remember what it was like to finally kiss someone he's been craving for the first time he laid eyes on them. But it wouldn't really matter if Kihyun knew anyway. It's like Hoseok's a magnet, pulling him in until Kihyun's hand is on his cheek and their lips are together again.

"Hi." Kihyun pulls away from him, snaking his arms around his waist and pulling his body closer to him.

"Where are you off to?" Hoseok smiles.

"I don't actually know." Kihyun hadn't really thought that part through, just knew he was going to go somewhere and that having figured this out was enough. "I guess I'm just going to have to find out."

"You're driving?" 

Kihyun scratches the back of his neck before returning his arm around Hoseok. "Yeah."

"Whoa," Hoseok smiles even wider at him. "Mind if I come along?"

"I think I should do this on my own," Kihyun tells him, no matter how much he'd love to have Hoseok by his side whilst he faces his biggest fear. He feels as if this is something he needs to accomplish with himself.

Hoseok nods and pulls him into a warm hug. "Good luck."

The younger boy smiles as Hoseok pulls off his beanie, ruffling his hair, and pulling it on top of Kihyun's head instead. "Thanks."

They kiss again without having to think about it, and then Hoseok sends him off hurriedly walking down the staircase to the driveway, anxiety tightly twisting in his stomach. He's so scared, probably the most scared he's been of anything, and he wants to run back inside Minhyuk and his flat without looking back. But he's tired of being afraid of a stupid car. He's tired of being afraid of things at all. He's in control of his story, and he's not letting stupid things control him anymore. Starting with a car.

Kihyun abruptly stops when he sees _it_ parked in the driveway. He sucks in a breath, chanting to himself: _you can do this you can do this_ _youcandothis youcandothis_. Exhaling, he forces his wobbly legs to move towards his car, unlocking the vehicle with a shaky hand and sliding into the front seat.

He instantly buckles himself in his seat belt and stares ahead at the apartment complex, wondering where he's supposed to go from here. He inhales again and exhales in an attempt to keep his breathing under control as he pushes the key in the ignition and turns. As the engine roars to life, he quickly pulls his hands away, staring wide-eyed at the lights and the steering wheel and the radio. He feels like he's found the entrance to a new world, and all he has to do is walk inside. Except this new world took his friend away from him and could kill him too.

Kihyun's fingers hover over the gear, wanting to grip it and get this other with, but he doesn't move. Just keeps it there, not wanting it to be too late to yank the key out and charge back into his room to hide under his bed like last time. This is the furthest he's gotten with trying to drive a car again, and he doesn't know how he's supposed to feel about it. All he can think about is Minhyuk: Minhyuk drunk and laughing so hard his face is red and turning up the radio so loud Kihyun feels the beat pounding in his chest and vibrating his insides and Minhyuk's scream before they crash and Minhyuk dead. Except he doesn't know what Minhyuk looked like after they crashed, all he can go by is what the doctors explained to him and what his mom had to re-explain to him so Kihyun could understand it better. All he has is his imagination of how Minhyuk fell through the window shield and how he broke his neck, and what his cuts and bruises would look like, if he had any. But Kihyun's imagination always has to make things worse for him and sometimes when he thinks of Minhyuk, he doesn't think of the alive, happy, idiotic Minhyuk, he thinks of blood, blood everywhere, and bruises everywhere and a broken neck and suffering, leaving a tightening in his stomach a sickening taste on his tongue.

Now is no exception.

He forces his hand on the gear and tightens his unsteady fingers around it, breathing dangerously picking up. He tries calming himself down, convincing himself he's okay, and nothing else except him controls what happens in this car. But he's still so scared and he feels like he's seconds away from sending himself into a stupid panic attack, screaming and on the verge of tears as he violently yanks on the handle to get out the car until he realizes he locked all the doors, like the three days after he was released from the hospital and tried driving a car.

Don't think about Minhyuk dying, he tries to tell himself as he repeatedly thinks of Minhyuk dying. He pushes the gear into reverse, and then his hands are on the steering wheel and his foot is on the gas and he's carefully backing out of his parking spot, pressing his foot on the brakes each inch he moves until he's completely out of his parking spot like a teenager behind the steering wheel for the first time.

Kihyun quickly pushes his car in park again and presses his forehead against the steering wheel. He feels like he just untangled himself from the ropes that's been holding him back ever since Minhyuk died. But all there's left to do is walk away from it. Walk away from what's been binding him together, and never think about going back. But he doesn't know if he's strong enough to do that, and he thinks maybe he let his confidence get the best of him. Maybe he should give this a little more time, take this fear in baby steps. He is in control of his story and he's in control of the car, he decides where he ends up, he decides what happens to him, but at the same time there's always this possibility that something could go wrong. There's always this possibility that could send him down the same road as Minhyuk.

But there's also this possibility that it wouldn't.

His hand is on the gear again, deliberately pushing it into drive, and he forces his shaky hands on the steering wheel again to turn the car out of the parking lot. He drives slowly, feeling panic rising in him once in a while, causing him to instantly step on the brakes. But as he turns out of the apartment complex, he convinces himself to let himself go, let this stupid fucking fear go until he's aimlessly rolling down the road, finally allowing himself to release all his anxiety and start on the journey to nowhere.

. . .

"I did it," Kihyun whispers into the phone, like he just survived a plane crash and he has no idea how he managed to walk out alive.

"What?" Kihyun can hear his smile through the phone, bright and of course, infectious. "Oh my, God, I'm so proud of you, Kihyun-ah. Where did you go?"

"I don't know," he says. He's sitting in the front seat, parked in a random parking lot of a store he's never seen or heard of before, but he doesn't care. He doesn't even really care where he is right now, he's just surprised he somehow ended up lost. After twenty minutes of driving around familiar surroundings, Kihyun realized how difficult it is to lose yourself when you actually want to.

The older boy lets out a laugh. "Well, either way, I'm really happy for you."

"Thanks," Kihyun says, and he looks to the steering wheel wondering how stupid his smile must look right now. "I think it was the hat."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." The conversation falls silent again, and Kihyun just sits there, taking in his unfamiliar surroundings. Happiness washes all over him, warming him up from the inside out. He's actually proud of himself. He forgotten what it felt like to be happy with himself. He'd forgotten what it felt like to not be scared, even though he panicked when cars drove beside him and behind him and front of him, but he continued driving, never hitting the brakes unless he had to. He wonders if Minhyuk would be proud of him too.

"Hyung," Kihyun softly calls, closing his eyes and relaxing into the leather seat.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For putting up with me," he replies, readjusting the beanie on his head. "I'm just... you're just... so perfect, and I'm just... so fucked up."

"Kihyun-ah..."

Kihyun's fingernails dig into his thighs. "I'm shit. I drink way too much and I'm scared of everything and I panic about stupid things." _And I treat everyone like shit and killed my own friend._ "You can do so much better, but you're with me."

"Oh, God, you're such an idiot. Do you really think that?"

"I _know_ you can do so much better."

"Kihyun," Hoseok carefully says, voice stern,, "I like you so much, okay? You make me so happy—the happiest I've been in a while, the happiest I've been in all my life, possibly. You're different from anyone I've ever met, and anyone I've ever been with. I honestly couldn't imagine a life without you, and I'm not just saying that to make you feel better. I can't even fathom the idea of never being in your arms again, or hearing your beautiful voice, or looking into your beautiful eyes. The idea hurts too much, because there's no better when it comes to you, baby, and if there is, then better isn't for me.

"I don't care about how much you drink, I don't care if you're scared of the whole world and panic at the sight of a fucking spider. I don't care how fucked up you are. Maybe I like how fucked up you are. Maybe I'm a little fucked up, too."

All he hears is the sound of his own breathing as Hoseok's words melt all over him until the random store blurs and a tear escapes from his eye. He doesn't even know why he's crying, he's happy. He wonders how someone can possibly be so perfect and how someone so perfect could be all his.

He wipes away his tear and smiles. "Thank you for being in my life," he tells him.

The older boy's smile is palpable again and Kihyun feels his heart fluttering in his chest. "Thank you for allowing me to be."

Their conversation ends just like that, and then Kihyun pushes the key back in the ignition, pulling out of the random store's parking lot to find his way back home.

. . .

_Sleep under the stars_

"Is this blindfold really necessary?" Hoseok questions as Kihyun tries tying a black cloth around his eyes. "Because unless you're planning on doing things to me"—he smirks at this, suggestively lifting a brow—"then I don't see the relevance of this blindfold."

"Yes, hyung, I'm trying to shag you in the woods," Kihyun sighs. He finally ties the blindfold around his head and hops out of the car, interlacing their hands.

Hoseok smiles. "So we're in the woods?"

"Would you stop talking?" he grumbles, pulling Hoseok from the car and closing the door behind him. "You're ruining the surprise."

"Woops," Hoseok unapologetically laughs. Kihyun playfully slaps him, but it only causes Hoseok's smile to widen. "Now this is my kind of party."

"Hyung!" He bursts into laughter, following along with unsure footsteps as Kihyun pulls him through the woods. He thought he'd feel depressed returning to the same place he ran off to when he panicked at Minhyuk's funeral. But he isn't upset. He's okay, even. 

"Can I take this off yet?" Hoseok groans, and it's barely been a minute. 

"Duck," Kihyun warns as they near a hanging branch. But it's no use, Hoseok ends up walking into it anyway. He flails his arms around, desperately slapping the leaves from his wave with no success. "You're such an idiot, I swear. And no, you cannot take your blindfold off. Not yet."

Hoseok groans and stumbles over a stick. "I'm starting to not like the outdoors," the older boy mumbles, tightening his grip onto Kihyun's hand. They walk in silence, Hoseok grumbling every now and then, swatting at flies until Kihyun pauses his steps, smiling at the woods with pride as if he grew all these trees himself.

"Okay," he breathes, "you can take your blindfold off."

The older boy doesn't waste time to untie the cloth from the back of his head and pull it away from his eyes. Kihyun stands back and watches a smile grow on his face as his brown eyes take in the tent he'd set up this morning surrounded by tiny candles. He'd only used the candles so they'd be able to see when the sun sets, but as Kihyun sees it from beside Hoseok, he realizes how romantic this turned out to be.

"You're not going to hand me another flower, are you?" Hoseok asks, turning and smiling up at him. Kihyun pulls a piece of grass from the ground and tries pushing it into the smaller boy's hair, but Hoseok slaps his hand away, laughing. "Very classy."

Kihyun beams. "So, are we going to go inside?"

"Why not?" At this the two drop to their knees, crawling inside and instantly attaching at the hip. Hoseok pulls Kihyun to his chest, lying down on the four pillows he piled together in silence, watching nature from outside their tent. Kihyun's hand somehow ends up in Hoseok's hair, absently running his fingers through the strands and twirling it around a finger.

"When it gets dark we're supposed to lie down towards the opening and look at the stars," Kihyun suddenly thinks to tell him.

"Aw," Hoseok coos, smiling down into Kihyun's hair, "I didn't think of you to be the romantic, but I guess that makes sense."

"I'm not a romantic," he scowls. "I just like seeing you smile."

"Romantic."

Kihyun scoffs. "I'm not going to argue with you."

"Okay, then." He sits up, smiling down at him. "If you're not a romantic then you're whipped."

 _"Am not!"_ Kihyun shouts and Hoseok laughs, engulfing Kihyun in his arms, pulling them back onto the pillows to rest. Kihyun wonders if he's ever felt this content, this happy just to be lying here with somebody. He thinks that this is the happiest he's ever been, that nothing could go wrong, and as if the world needed to argue against this, thunder cracks across the sky, welcoming soft drops of rain that hits the roof of the tent.

"Don't panic," Hoseok says, watching rain fall past the opening. "Maybe it'll die down."

On cue, the rain picks up, jerking the tent around and hitting their shelter harder.

"Or maybe it won't," Hoseok says sitting up from the pillows. A bolt of lightning illuminates the darkening sky, instantly sending Hoseok scurrying out of the tent. His _oh, hell no_ gets caught in another crack of thunder and a downpour of rain falling onto the tent in hard bullets before the whole tent comes collapsing on top of Kihyun.

He easily throws it off of him, welcomed back to the woods by rain pouring down around him. His hand finds Hoseok's automatically, letting him guide the way to the car before he's pausing, pulling Kihyun back.

"What about the tent and stuff?" Hoseok questions, shouting to be heard over the rain. He motions towards the tent lifelessly lying down on the unlit candles as raindrops attack.

The younger boy waves it off. "I'll come get it later," he tells him, tugging on Hoseok's hand and sprinting towards the car.

Hoseok slips into the driver's seat like he knows how and Kihyun slips in from the opposite side of him. Kihyun blankly watches the windshield wipers swaying back and forth, smearing the colors of the world as it wipes through before pulling his eyes away and looking outside the window. It's stupid, but Kihyun was really excited about tonight. It would've brought him one step closer to finishing everything on the dare list Minhyuk wrote for him, one step closer to giving him some form of closure. But he knew there was always next week.

A hand finds its way to Kihyun's knee causing a smile to twitch on his lips. "I'm sorry about the rain."

Kihyun turns away from the window and flashes his boyfriend a smile. "You can't control the weather, hyung."

"I know," Hoseok sighs. "I'm still sorry, though."

The younger boy interlaces their fingers, tracing a thumb over a vein along Hoseok's finger. "It's okay."

"We can always do this some other time." Kihyun nods. "And this time we can bring food." He chuckles before his face slowly falls into a frown again. "Hey, Kihyun-ah."

"Yeah?"

"How about you spend the night at my house tonight?" he offers. "I can make you hot chocolate."

Kihyun turns at this, a smile growing on his face. "Hot chocolate?"

Hoseok nods, smiling back at him. "Mm-hmm. I'll make you as much as you want."

"Okay, I'd like that."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

. . .

When they get to the apartment complex, Hoseok scoops Kihyun into his arms, dangling the smaller boy over his shoulder and laughing at his screams up the whole flight. Kihyun punches his chest once he's back on his feet again, red-faced and giggly, and then kisses him. He's happy, he honestly is, every time he's with Hoseok he's happy. But he's only a little disappointed that they're not going to have a chance to sleep under the stars tonight.

"Technically every night we sleep under the stars," Hoseok tells him as he unlocks the door to his apartment. "There's only a roof separating us."

Kihyun frowns at him.

"I'm just messing with you," he quickly says, smiling and lightly punching Kihyun in the shoulder. "You know, I'm really sorry."

"You shouldn't feel sorry, hyung," Kihyun replies.

He lets out a sigh in response, pushing open the door to his flat and sending Ramyun instantly running to greet the boys. Kihyun smiles and scratches her behind the ear. Dogs never fail to make people happy.

"Do you want me to run over to your flat and get you another pair of clothes?" Hoseok asks, eyeing Kihyun's soaked clothing. Kihyun nods, digging his key out of his pocket and handing it to him. 

As Hoseok leaves out his flat, Kihyun peels his shirt off his body and pulls it over his head before dropping his jeans to his ankles and kicking his pile of clothes in a corner. He plops down on Hoseok's blue couch and pulls his legs up on it, closing his eyes and listening to the rain fall outside until Hoseok comes back, smiling and shaking him awake.

"Hey," Hoseok says, flashing Kihyun a cloudy smile. He drops a heap of clothes onto his stomach and stands up. "Let's go."

Kihyun slowly sits up, two fist circling over his heavy eyelids and slowly bringing his blurry vision to normalcy. "Go where?" he rasps, voice thick with sleep.

"You'll see," the older boy replies before he's disappearing into the kitchen. Kihyun looks at the clothes Hoseok brought him—a black tee shirt and a matching pair of sweats—before letting out a sigh of relief. At least he knows they're not going out anywhere. Kihyun doesn't think he can stand being outside without setting himself on fire.

He pulls on the clothes Hoseok handed him and joins his boyfriend in the kitchen as he mixes a spoon in the mug that Kihyun officially claimed as his own the first time Hoseok had made him hot chocolate. He presses a little kiss to Hoseok's cheek. "You're so lovely," he says, pulling the mug from the counter. 

His boyfriend instantly swats his hand away. "Not yet," he tells him. Kihyun groans. "Shut up and turn around."

"When did you get so bossy?" Kihyun teases, smiling as he turns his back towards him. Suddenly all he can see is black as a blindfold is tied around his head, just like Hoseok from earlier today. "Now I'm really scared."

Hoseok just lets out a laugh and slips his hand into Kihyun's before he's tugging on it, leading him to wherever. Kihyun doesn't really care where as long as it involves hot chocolate and sleeping and lots of cuddling.

After Hoseok locks his apartment, the younger boy's dragging him for only a few seconds, and then pulling Kihyun into a room. He can already tell they've entered Minhyuk and his flat according to how many times he's stumbled inside of it in complete darkness, and having to hopelessly feel around for a light switch.

"Okay, you can look now." Hoseok unties the blindfold from around his eyes and pulls it away, allowing Kihyun to take in the surroundings of his living room.

At least he thinks it's his living room.

Glow in the dark stick-on stars decorate the ceiling and the walls like the living room has its own sky. The stupid couch that doesn't match any of Minhyuk and his furniture is pushed to the side of the living room, replaced with Hoseok's laptop on top of the world's blankets and pillows laid out on the carpeted floor like a little bed. And there's a large, lit candle on the TV stand, which Kihyun realizes looks way better than the fire hazard he'd outlined the tent with. He has to take in the living room's sky again with a smile widening on his face. It's perfect. Even more perfect than the outdoor date he'd planned for them tonight. He wants to grab Hoseok and kiss him over and over again, even though he doesn't think it'd be enough to show him how happy he is. But he does it anyway causing a drop of the forgotten hot chocolate in Hoseok's hand to splash onto his tee shirt.

Kihyun barely acknowledges it before he pulls the taller boy back in with his shirt and kisses him again. "I love this," he mumbles to his lips.

Hoseok's lips pull into a smile against his before he's pulling away, pushing Kihyun's mug into his hand. "We have a movie to watch," his boyfriend explains.

"What movie?" Kihyun wastes no time to plop down on the blankets and pillows on the floor, pulling the older boy's laptop onto his lap. There's a notepad full of movie titles.

"You have to pick." He joins Kihyun on the little bed and snuggles into his side, watching the screen as his boyfriend scrolls through their options. "Believe it or not, this list was the most time consuming part of this whole entire thing."

Kihyun takes a sip from his mug. "How long was I asleep?"

"Around four hours, I think," Hoseok replies. "This list goes from action to cartoon to slasher to comedy to Bollywood. Choose something."

They end up watching _La La Land_ in low quality, but it doesn't really matter, because Hoseok doesn't seem like he wants Kihyun to pay attention to anything besides him. As soon as the movie starts, he's all over the smaller boy: pulling Kihyun into his lap, roughly kissing his lips and his neck, nipping at his skin and straddling him onto the blankets. Kihyun tries not to lose his mind with all Hoseok's weight on him, keeping his hands on the floor by his sides and trying to block out all the thoughts of where else he'd like to put them.

But somehow Kihyun gets through the film without pouncing on him, and soon the two boys are lying down on their backs, eyes gazing up at the glowing stars above him. Kihyun suddenly feels like telling Hoseok everything about him again. But he doesn't even know where he's supposed to start. Usually all stories start with a beginning, but he doesn't even think his story has one.

"What are you thinking about?" Hoseok asks.

Kihyun rolls over on his side to face him, wondering how long he'd been watching him. "You," he replies and Hoseok beams. Maybe it's not entirely true, but somewhere near it. "I think I'm going to go to sleep now."

Hoseok presses a kiss to his mouth. "Okay," he says. "Sleep well."

"You too." Kihyun rolls onto his other side, back facing the older boy to avoid looking at him. He doesn't think he can control himself looking at him tonight. There isn't much Kihyun can control when he's looking at Hoseok anyway, but right now, it's ten times worse. Hoseok's just so fucking tempting with his stupid smirk and his addicting lips and his five thousand hands.

"Kihyun-ah," he hears Hoseok whisper from beside him.

He sucks in a breath. "Yeah?"

"You're so far away," Hoseok tells him. Kihyun swears under his breath, hating and loving Hoseok all at once. "I want to see your face."

Kihyun turns back onto his side. "Better?" he asks.

"You're still too far away."

Kihyun scoots over.

"Closer."

Kihyun moves towards him more.

"Closer."

Kihyun pushes himself more into him.

Hoseok's voice drops to a whisper. "Closer," he says, a smirk pulling on his perfect lips, and then Kihyun's on top of him, legs tangling in the sheets, their lips pressed together, rough and amorous. 

Hoseok's tongue is pushed in his mouth, curling around his, kissing away all the memories of the crash, all the pain from losing his friend, all the guilt and all the hatred towards himself until all of Kihyun is completely lost and floating.

He feels like he's standing in front of the sunrise again, imagining himself letting go and becoming new, except now he feels like he actually is.

He willingly loses himself in Hoseok's intoxicating mouth, running his hands up the older boy's shirt and digging his fingernails into his skin. It's the first time he's ever been this hungry for someone, craving all of them, wanting them so bad, wanting them _now_. It drives him insane, like every single thing that involves Hoseok.

Kihyun can't keep up with Hoseok's lips as they somehow end up on his jawline and his neck and his collarbone, and he can't really keep up with his own hands as they're pulling off Hoseok's shirt, pawing at his chest, pawing at his abs.

"Do you believe in love?" Hoseok utters, out of breath and panting, pulling Kihyun's shirt over his head too before Kihyun's weight is pressed back onto him.

"I don't know." He fumbles with Hoseok's belt buckle and pulls his jeans down, palming his erection through black boxer briefs. Hoseok moans, low and far from innocent. "Maybe," he says. "Maybe now."

Hoseok reconnects their lips in a hungry kiss, teeth sinking into Kihyun's bottom lip so harshly he groans into his mouth, nails digging into Hoseok's skin. But he loves it, even loves the way Hoseok tangles his fingers in his hair and tugs it, waking up all the nerves in his body.

Kihyun runs his hands down his thighs, feeding this desire to have Hoseok, all of Hoseok, underneath his fingertips. But he comes to a stop, his hand shrinking away from his skin, his eyes slowly looking down with hesitance and Kihyun isn't sure what he's looking for except he knows that he doesn't want to see it. He's right.

The light is dim, but Kihyun can still make out the scars. He knows they aren't fresh, maybe even from weeks or months ago, but his stomach still churns knowing that these are a part of Hoseok at all. Happy Hoseok. The Hoseok who's always smiling and always there to cheer him up. It seems unreal almost that something so ugly can be marked on someone so beautiful, so free of flaws. Kihyun looks to Hoseok for answers, but he looks the other way, the artificial stars illuminating a face of embarrassment. 

"Hyung," he quietly calls, placing a hand to his cheek. Hoseok doesn't turn to him. "Hoseok hyung, look at me."

Hesitantly, he obliges, fixing his eyes on Kihyun slow and unsure. He looks so sad. Kihyun's never seen this look on him before. It's scary. It hurts him.

"You're beautiful," Kihyun whispers, like he's letting him in on a secret. He pulls the older boy in closer to him, Hoseok's lips grazing his own as he breathes all of him in. "So beautiful."

The kiss is gentle. Kihyun feels as if he's melting into him, Hoseok's fingers soft on his spine, another hand curling at his nape, and he wonders how many things he really doesn't know about Hoseok.

He wonders how many nights Hoseok's cried without giving him a call, how many times he's felt alone and unwanted without Kihyun there to wrap him in his arms and tell him how much he means to him.

Hoseok brushes away Kihyun's tears, and then Kihyun tries not to think. He looks into Hoseok's eyes, admiring the way his hair falls into them, admiring their warmth and how they're all his and lets Hoseok's hand sink into his jeans.

Kihyun pushes out a sharp exhale, Hoseok licking into his mouth and his hand is so warm and moving too slow around his dick Kihyun thinks he could scream.

He bucks into his hand, catching Hoseok's smile in his mouth and lifting his hips just enough for Hoseok to slip his jeans and briefs from around his thighs. He noses against Kihyun's neck, against Kihyun's collarbone, and then his hand is around him again, taking as much of him at the curve of his cock. Kihyun shivers with Hoseok's thumb grazing his head, smearing the precome there, and he's a little embarrassed at the whimper he makes with Hoseok's teeth nipping not too hard, not too soft, at his collarbone.

"I like you so much," Hoseok tells him, as if this is something that angers him, but then he smiles and shifts so that Kihyun's lying on his back and he can entirely pull him from his jeans. "It's so confusing and it's so scary, but I don't care because I like you so much."

Kihyun smiles and then gasps, his dick stuttering with every hot kiss Hoseok presses to his skin, across his chest, down his stomach, to his hipbone. Kihyun feels guilty having Hoseok being the one making him feel good, making him feel beautiful and sexy and wanted, but there's no room to think, not with Hoseok's hand at his thighs pushing them wider and Kihyun obliging without hesitance.

Hoseok tightens a hand around him, teasing at his head before he's stroking Kihyun in a way that makes his head spin. He's biting at his lips, trying to stay patient with this desire thumping in his belly and trying to not lose control at the way Hoseok's hair dampens against his forehead, the little smirk that plays on his pink lips, and the way his biceps absently flex under the pumping of his hand.

Kihyun wants to bite into them and he wants Hoseok's pretty mouth around his dick, but mostly he just wants Hoseok inside of him.

"I like you like this," Hoseok tells him. His voice sounds so rough it makes Kihyun shiver. "So wet."

"Gosh, hyung," Kihyun groans, "shut up."

Hoseok laughs, planting kisses along his length, fleeting and teasing, until his hands are to Kihyun's thighs again, pulling his body closer, spreading his legs wider for his lips to graze his hole. 

Kihyun's small hands fist into the blanket, a moan falling from his swollen lips with Hoseok's tongue tracing his rim. There's a warm hand sliding under his thigh, a hand holding him open, and Kihyun wonders if Hoseok's even real with his mouth so warm and so hot and so sweet. 

He pushes his ass into him, just wanting as much as he can get from anything Hoseok has to offer him, gasping at the way he flicks his wet tongue against him just right and tracing a finger along his rim before its pushed inside of him. 

Kihyun can hear the sound of his own breathing, ragged and sharp, his heart thumping a wild beat against his chest. Hoseok licks him until he can push his thumb inside and then two fingers, opening him up, twisting inside of him, before he's lapping at him with his tongue again.

"Do you need more?" Hoseok asks, kissing his thigh, nipping at the skin there before his fingers are inside of him again. 

Kihyun pants, eating the feel of him all up so shamelessly.

"No," Kihyun breathes. He shakes his head just in case Hoseok hadn't heard him, draping an arm over his forehead and obediently lifting his hips for Hoseok to prop them up with a pillow.

"This okay?" Hoseok asks, all of his weight pressing onto him and shit, of course it's okay. It's more than okay. Kihyun settles with an eager nod. "Tell me if it hurts."

But Kihyun trusts him. He rests his hands to his shoulders, letting Hoseok tease him and kiss his neck until he gently eases himself inside. Kihyun stutters, sucking in a breath that fills his lungs. The pressure grows slow, but Hoseok's gentleness helps him calm into it, his tense muscles relaxing, his mind softening, his knitted eyebrows coming undone.

"Okay?" Hoseok asks him.

Kihyun nods with a smile and with Hoseok's hands to his hips, he thrusts into him. Kihyun inhales, exhales, presses into Hoseok when he's thrusting into him again, nails digging crescents into his strong shoulders.

He wonders if it's a flaw to so easily come this undone for someone, to want a person so badly that you can't even think properly. But Kihyun's full of flaws, more flaws than he can count, and if craving Hoseok is one of them so be it.

"More," Kihyun gasps, hating the sound of his voice. How pathetic and wrecked he sounds. But Hoseok doesn't mind it. His hips snap into him, moving into him faster, and for a second Kihyun forgets how to breathe.

"You're doing well," Hoseok tells him. Kihyun doesn't know why he likes being told that so much. He groans, his face warm, clenching with Hoseok feeling so good inside of him.

He knows just how to tug at his strings, just where to push Kihyun over the edge. He knows just the spots to kiss and mouth at and it doesn't take much for him to discover just what spot to hit. Kihyun thinks he'll go crazy, or maybe he's already going crazy. Kihyun doesn't know. Kihyun doesn't care. All he knows and cares about is Hoseok Hoseok Hoseok.

His body quivers and he's gripping so hard onto Hoseok that his hands ache. He's sure he's left bruises and he's sure he'll feel guilty about it in the morning, but Hoseok's mouth is on his again, his tongue pushing into him mouth, and Kihyun's dragging his nails down his shoulders blades and licking into Hoseok's mouth just as harshly until he comes and Hoseok's coming with him.

He buries his face in Kihyun's neck, his warm breath tingling the younger boy's skin in soft pants. Kihyun kisses him deeply and lies there for a few heartbeats, his hand pulling through Hoseok's hair, his lips planting gentle kisses along the top of his head as if he's the most delicate thing he's ever touched. 

"Can we talk about it?" Kihyun suddenly asks him, and even though _it_ isn't elaborated he can tell Hoseok knows exactly what _it_ is. 

He looks up to Kihyun, bashfully, his teeth nipping at his lips and he seems a bit surprised that it hadn't yet left Kihyun's mind. "I don't want to," Hoseok tells him. 

"That's okay," he smiles because he understands, and he captures these few seconds of just lying here a little while longer, caressing Hoseok's hair, kissing his head and telling him he's beautiful.

. . .

Kihyun doesn't have a dream, but he wonders if he's in one when he wakes up to Hoseok's sleepy brown eyes and his tousled hair, his hand pressed to Hoseok's chest and his fingertips softly brushing the little marks he'd left there.

Hoseok isn't looking at him, but he's smiling. "Hi."

"Hey." Kihyun smiles back at him. "You fell asleep last night?"

"Yeah." He looks down at him, pushing a hand through the smaller boy's hair. "I can't remember the last time I've fallen asleep, but last night was the best sleep I've ever had." He chuckles. "I'm always so uncomfortable around everyone, but with you I feel more at home than my own house. I don't understand."

"Maybe I'm just not everyone," Kihyun replies. Hoseok laughs again, and Kihyun laughs too, just because the sound makes him happy.

"Yeah," Hoseok breathes, "maybe you're not."

As they lie in silence, Kihyun wonders how Hoseok's even real, how any of this is even real. It still confuses him how he's this happy with him. Happiness was never really something Kihyun believed he could hold and here he is, safely tucked in Hoseok's arms, smiling his cheeks to pain and so very happy.

"I'm going to head over to my flat and take a shower," Hoseok says, pulling himself up into a sitting position. 

"Don't leave me," Kihyun whines, rolling on top of him and burying his face in his neck. "You can shower here."

Hoseok laughs, his fingers brushing at the hairline of Kihyun's head. "I have nothing to wear, Kihyun-ah."

"That's fine by me." He places a hand to his side, gently running it up and down his pale skin as he pecks little kisses down on his neck.

Hoseok lets out another laugh. "Kihyun-ah..."

"I can find you a shirt," Kihyun insists.

"You're like ten times smaller than me," Hoseok laughs, pressing a kiss to Kihyun's cheeks. "But whatever, I'll just wear the same thing." 

Kihyun smiles and pecks his lips. "The washroom is in my bedroom. You can find towels in the cabinet."

Hoseok leaves and Kihyun plops down onto the couch, allowing his eyelids to flutter close as he lies down at the sound of shower water. His mind somehow drifts to their night as he lies there, a soft smile tugging on his lips, and then he frowns. He's tried his best to ignore the scars he'd saw, but it's as if it's all he can think of. Hoseok's embarrassment. His sadness. Kihyun wishes he could just tell him how much he means to him without fearing Hoseok would shrink away. 

Kihyun's not sure how long he's lying there, thoughts full of all and only Hoseok, before Hoseok's stepping into the room, sheet of paper in hand, hair damp and dressed in clothes from the night before. There's an incomprehensible angered expression capturing his features, in contrast with the happiness glowing from his face as he'd left.

"What's this?" Hoseok questions. He waves the paper in his hand, but Kihyun can't see it to answer his question.

"I don't know," Kihyun slowly replies. Hoseok places it in his hands and steps back, away from him, arms crossed over his chest. Brown eyes take in the handwriting on the notebook paper, and oh, it's the dare list Minhyuk wrote for him, Kihyun's on the back. "Oh, it's a list my... friend wrote for me."

"Funny how almost everything we've done together is up there, isn't it?"

Kihyun squints. "What?"

"Don't play dumb, Kihyun." Kihyun's startled by the harshness of his tone. "I don't even know why I—never mind. Fuck you."

All Kihyun understands is Hoseok's angry, but he doesn't really understand why. He shoots up from his feet, brows furrowing. "What? What did I even do?"

"You're just like everyone else!" he shouts. "I should've known from the moment we spoke you wanted nothing to do with me! I'm only good enough for you because you need me for this stupid list! And then what happens after it's done? You just drop me? Leave me alone and hurting? You asshole!"

"It's just a stupid list," Kihyun laughs, but Hoseok doesn't want to hear it. He storms off towards the door, barely acknowledging the lamp he accidentally knocks to the floor."Can you just listen to me?"

Kihyun chases after him, locking his fingers around his wrist as the taller boy fumbles with the doorknob. But Hoseok instantly yanks his arm away from Kihyun's grasp, eyes narrowed. 

"Don't fucking touch me."

"Please," Kihyun begs, grabbing him by the wrist again, "It's just a list! If you'd let me explain—"

"There's nothing to explain," Hoseok whispers. He wriggles away from Kihyun's grip, stumbling out of the door and slamming it closed, taking Kihyun's heart with him. Kihyun sinks to the floor, eyes fixed on the door like maybe Hoseok will return, apologizing and holding him tightly to his chest. But the longer he stares at it, he realizes Hoseok's not going to come back.

Something in Kihyun breaks, cutting deep underneath his ribs and leaving him gasping for air, loudly sobbing into his hands. There are so many tears pouring out of him it's like his eyes are a waterfall, creating its own little sea of despair in his palms. Kihyun crumbles to the floor, knees pulled to his chest as every emotion pours out of him. He wants to scream at the top of his lungs, so loudly that it stings his throat, but he can barely make a sound.

Kihyun pulls himself onto his hands and knees, crawling across the floor to his room before he's pulling a cardboard box from underneath his bed, eyeing the bottles stored inside with puffy, teary eyes. His fingers tightly wrap around one, head falling back as he unscrews the lid and presses the rim to his chapped lips, quickly downing the liquid as tears fall from his eyes. He loves the familiar burning in his throat, the warmth filling inside of him the more he drinks, and it's all that's left for him to feel.

. . .

Kihyun doesn't know what time it is or what day it is, but at the same time, he doesn't really care. His sadness has swallowed him whole, leaving him lying in the darkness paralyzed and emotionless.

He's lying in Minhyuk's cleaned room, the sheets wrapped around him like a burrito, hoping, praying, that there'll be a knock to the door and Minhyuk will come inside, alive and well, happy with opening arms and his comforting voice telling Kihyun everything will be okay.

Kihyun has never wanted Minhyuk so badly. He always knew the right thing to say, he always knew when to just lie with him in silence and be there for him, allowing his friend to break down in front of him. Minhyuk was the only person who ever knew how to pull him out of this, bring him back into normalcy. Now all he can do is just lie down, feeling lifeless and wondering why it wasn't him who died.

He knows his family loves him and Minhyuk loved him and Hyungwon loves him, but he doesn't think anyone would have to feel the pain everyone who knew Minhyuk is feeling. No one's world would stop, no one's sun will stop shining, no one's heart would tear. Maybe people who know Kihyun would've been sad if it were him and maybe they would've cried, but it wouldn't have been like this. Because everyone loved Minhyuk.

Minhyuk didn't drink everyday, he didn't sleep with any boy he could get his hands on, he didn't take advantage of his friends and ignore his family and he didn't skip classes because of hangovers or because he stayed up too late getting a blow job and he had never stolen money from his grandmother to buy a dildo and vodka and he'd never convinced his sober friend to come out to a party and get drunk off his ass and not buckle his seat belt when helping him in the car and he'd never drove drunk, so drunk that he drives right into a fucking ditch.

He knows people would've missed him, but they'd get over it, because it'd just be _him_.

The doorbell rings throughout the house and Kihyun buries his face in Minhyuk's pillow, wishing whoever would just go away. But they don't go away, instead he hears the door unlocking, and then someone's stepping inside.

"Kyun?" a voice calls. Kihyun can tell right away it's Hyungwon. He wraps his burrito tighter around his body and hides his face in the sheets, hoping Hyungwon won't find him and end up heading back home. He doesn't even know how Hyungwon came inside. He doesn't even have a key to his house.

 _"Kihyun-ah!"_ Hyungwon shouts, louder. Kihyun can hear him moving through the house, opening and closing doors, calling out Kihyun's name each time one opens. After a while, he lets out a sigh, like he's been defeated, and then everything is quiet. Kihyun thinks he's about to finally give up and leave, but the door pushes open and Hyungwon's inside, his wide eyes automatically falling on Kihyun.

Kihyun doesn't know what he looks like, but according to Hyungwon's reaction, he must look pretty terrible.

"Holy shit, Kyun," Hyungwon gasps, approaching him with slow footsteps. His friend places a hand on his shoulder and lowers himself to the edge of the bed. "How long have you been sitting here?"

"I don't know," he replies, his voice leaving his lips in a rasp, scratchy and weak. He repeats it in a clearer voice that Hyungwon can understand, tightening his burrito around his body like maybe it'd help him become invisible. "I'm too scared to leave."

Hyungwon frowns, but he's always frowning. "What are you scared of?"

"I don't know." Kihyun feels so ridiculous. Why does he always have to be so afraid of everything? He thought he was finished with being scared when he drove his car, but he doesn't even think he can be himself without fear.

"It's going to be okay, you know?"

"No, it isn't," he nearly screams. Kihyun clenches his fist against his thighs and squeezes his eyes shut to keep from breaking down. "Nothing is going to be okay! _Ever._ Not until he comes back, and i-it's not going to happen."

He eyes the room, how neat everything is, how Not Minhyuk everything is, and reality stings even worse than before. He really is gone.

"Kihyun-ah," Hyungwon carefully says, "Minhyuk would want you to treat yourself better than this."

"Yeah? Well, Minhyuk doesn't know what it's like to kill your own friend."

"You didn't kill him."

"I don't want to argue with you," Kihyun mutters. "I don't have any energy left, Hyungwon-ah. I want to die."

" _Don't_ say that," Hyungwon snaps.

The older boy just shakes his head, tears slipping down his cheeks and he's a little impressed with himself. He thought he had cried himself dry. "H-he left me."

"Hoseok?"

Kihyun nods in response, crying harder at the sound of his name. He's never felt so empty before, so broken. He thinks this is it. There's nothing left of him. It's impossible for him to be fixed, not without Hoseok. Hyungwon silently watches the older boy cry with a frown. Kihyun feels bad for breaking down in front of him because he knows Hyungwon's never really sure what to do in these situations, but he can't help it.

"I'm sorry," Hyungwon murmurs.

Kihyun sucks in a breath and nods. "It's not your fault."

"I see you cleaned the room," Hyungwon mentions, taking in the space surrounding him. Kihyun nods. He doesn't know how he did it, erasing all the pieces Minhyuk left of himself, but in some way it was like a breath of fresh air. He felt strong, until everything was clean and all Kihyun could do was cry. "I'm so proud of you."

Hyungwon smiles softly and rests his head on his friend's shoulder as the younger boy pulls him into a hug and lets Kihyun sob. It's not like Minhyuk, but Kihyun's just happy to finally not feel alone.

. . .

_See a random band play live_

It's in the middle of the night and Kihyun's in his own room again when he hears it behind his head—Hoseok's moan. The boy freezes, trying to control his uneven breaths, trying to convince himself that Hoseok can only be getting himself off. But then he hears another, unfamiliar and different, and Kihyun swears he can feel his heart automatically breaking, the last bits of it falling from his chest and into his stomach.

There is so much pain. Kihyun doesn't know what to do with it. He feels angry and betrayed and sad and broken. He can't imagine Hoseok doing that with someone that isn't him, giving himself away to someone else that isn't him. Kihyun wants to scream and he wants to hurt whoever Hoseok's with, but instead he finds himself outside, hands placed on the steering wheel and taking off down the road.

He doesn't care if his mind is fuzzy and if alcohol is traveling through his veins. He's kind of hoping he crashes into a car. He can't get the image of Hoseok in someone else's arms out of his head, kissing him like he kissed Kihyun, touching him like he touched Kihyun. Kihyun bursts into tears as he pulls into the parking lot of a pub. He doesn't realize how crooked he parked until he steps out, but he doesn't care. He just slams the door shut, wiping his face into the sleeve of his shirt.

Once Kihyun's inside, he instantly makes his way to the bar, plopping down beside a guy in a V-neck and ordering himself a round of shots. There's a woman on stage, singing a  shitty song about love that Kihyun absently bobs his head to, wishing he'd went to a club instead. He loves the energy in clubs. It's so easy to forget your problems and pretend like there's no bad in the world. And he loves drinking away until he's numb and making a complete fool of himself without anyone judging him.

"I give up on relationships," Kihyun mutters to the man beside him as he receives his order.

"I second that," the stranger agrees, smirking at him from behind a shot glass full of whip cream. He takes a sip and smears white cream on the little dark hair above his upper lip. Kihyun feels even sadder, thinking of his first date with Hoseok.

"Did Christmas throw up in your glass?" Kihyun asks. The man laughs, and Kihyun's fingers somehow finding his face and wiping the whip cream away with the pad of his thumb. "There's an ice-cream shop down the street, you know."

"I'm not much of a drinker," he explains.

"I can see," Kihyun replies, laughing. "So, why are you here then?"

"My friends dragged me out here," he says with an eye roll. "One night stands and shit."

"So, you're not into that?"

"Hm, I don't know. Never had one," the stranger admits, downing the rest of his glass. He wipes the whip cream from his mouth on the back of his hand. "And I'm guessing you're here over a broken heart?"

"That's right," Kihyun replies. "Gotta love feeling like shit."

"Yup." The woman behind his head dismisses herself from the stage before she's engulfed by an enthusiastic crowd. "So, what happened?"

"He just freaked out on me, I don't know," Kihyun briefly explained, "and then he found someone else..."

"I hate to hear that."

"Yeah, it sucks," he mutters, throwing his head back as he downs a shot. "But it's whatever. I mean, I guess he was always too good for me anyway."

The stranger beside him comments on his opinion of himself, but Kihyun's too busy looking at a group of guys welcoming themselves on the stage. Excitement builds into him, and then he's downing the rest of his shots as a guitarist begins the intro of the song, springing the lead singer into the first verse. His vocals are shit, scratchy and each word indiscernible, but Kihyun jumps up from his chair anyway, suddenly rushing with adrenaline. 

"Want to go to the front with me?" he questions the stranger, interrupting whatever irrelevant shit he's saying as the bassist and drummer build the song into something wild.

The man shrugs in response, jumping up along with him and following behind the small boy as he pushes his way to the front. The music picks up, lighting up Kihyun's face, and he feels himself moving his body a little to the song. It's nothing like the dance parties he has with Minhyuk, or the one dance party he had with Hoseok, but he excitedly jumps up and down anyway, mouthing along to lyrics he doesn't even know and wishing he could look over to Hoseok smiling and doing the same.

. . .

"So, this again." Kihyun turns his head to his ride standing a few feet away from him, arms crossed over his chest.

"At least I called you," Kihyun tries, smiling at the sight of his friend. He doesn't pull himself up from the concrete. His feet are too sore from standing up all night, dancing along to every performance on the stage for three hours. Little moments he found himself forgetting about Hoseok's moans mixing in with another man's, and about his friend dying as he threw his head back, carelessly drinking his life away and letting himself go for a bit. Even when the man he befriended from the bar was taken away by his drunk group of friends, Kihyun was his own company, still letting himself have a good time without someone else having to be alongside him.

"What happened?" Hyungwon asks.

"I was just done," he admits, eyes locking on the dark sky above the two boys, stars twinkling in the darkness. "I was missing Hoseok, and I was missing Minhyuk. It was a mess."

Hyungwon plops down beside him, wrapping an arm around his friend. "I wasn't bullshitting you when I said everything is going to be okay."

"I don't know," Kihyun replies.

"It is," Hyungwon tells him. He softly smiles and nudges their shoulders. "You're going to have to forgive yourself sometime, Kyun."

"I killed my friend." Tears build in his eyes. "I took him away from the world when he didn't deserve it."

"Kyun, you have to accept what happened."

"Accept?" Kihyun asks, disgusted with the word. "How could I ever accept Minhyuk's death?"

"I'm not asking you to accept Minhyuk's death." Kihyun furrows his brows. "You can't change things, Kyun, and you can't spend the rest of your life hating yourself because of what happened. You couldn't have known that you were going to drive into a ditch. It just happened, and you can't change it. And I know, it sucks. The world is shitty and it takes people away from you and it sucks and it hurts. But you can't blame yourself for it. Minhyuk died because he fell through a windshield. Maybe there could've been things to prevent that from happening, but you can't blame yourself for not being those things. There was no way you could've known.

"You can't spend the rest of your life worrying about what could've happened and what you should've done. That'll get you nowhere. You have to let go, Kyun. And I'm not telling you to let go of Minhyuk, because he's our friend _,_ you keep him alive as much as you can _,_ but you have to let go of the grudge you have on yourself, and that's when you're going to be happy. The only one holding you back from that is you."

Kihyun sucks in a breath at the words, fiddling with his fingers. "I miss him so much, Hyungwon-ah."

"I know," he replies, squeezing Kihyun's shoulder. "I know."

. . .

Kihyun doesn't know what time it is when he's stumbling towards Minhyuk and his flat, all of Hyungwon's words floating in his head. After their talk he feels ten times better, like each word was another breath of fresh air. Yet, there's so much thinking left for him to do. He just needs to lie down and think of himself and Minhyuk and life. He thinks maybe he'll ring his mom when he gets inside. He hasn't heard her voice in forever, and it's kind of bothering him. Minhyuk always had to remind him to call his mother as bad as it sounds. Kihyun barely thought about anyone that wasn't around him. It was hard to. His mind was always fluttering somewhere else.

Kihyun fumbles to unlock Minhyuk and his flat, brows furrowing at a sheet of paper that flutters from the door once he pushes it open to darkness. He stumbles inside and picks up the notebook paper, unfolding it to small, neat handwriting on each line.

_Kihyun,_

_I miss you._

_I sound like an idiot, I know. I'm the one who left, and I miss you so badly. I don't know what to think. I don't know if you were using me, or if every little moment shared between us was real, but being away from you hurts. I've been hurting so badly ever since I walked out of your door that day. I can't get you off my mind, Kihyun. I wake up to the thought of you and fall asleep to the thought of you. Sometimes I wake up crying because I can't walk over to your apartment and be with you and I can't hear our signature knock on the door before you're stepping into my living room._

_I remember the first day I saw you on your balcony, entirely way too underdressed in winter and drinking. You were so mysterious and beautiful and I remember when you stumbled back into your flat, I wanted so badly for you to be there with me again. You were on my mind the whole night through, and I barely even knew you. But I wanted to. I really, really wanted to. I'm really happy I had a chance to be a part of your life._

_I want to be honest with you right now, Kihyun, because I feel like I haven't been honest with you our whole relationship. We've never really sat down and shared our stories. There was always something about you that I knew there was a heavy weight on your shoulders, possibly the weight of the whole world, and I just wanted to hear you sit down and tell me all of it. Maybe now we won't ever have that moment. But I still want to have the chance to tell you mine._

_When I was a teenager, my parents didn't allow me to go out a lot. It was a miracle if they even let me go to after school activities. So, when they let me go out it was a big deal because it happened so rarely. Seven years ago, my parents finally let me go to an internet cafe with my friends and I remember feeling so excited because that was where all my friends hung out without me, and I was finally going to be a part of it._

_That night when I was leaving to go to the park, my sister stopped me. She looked weird. I don't know how to explain it, but I could feel it, this something. She told me she needed to talk, really, really needed to talk with me. I wanted to. I wanted to stay and figure out what she needed to say, but I wanted to go to the internet cafe more. I remember telling her I had somewhere to go and I promised to talk to her as soon as I got back._ _But I never got to keep that promise, because two hours later, when I came back home, my sister had hung herself._

_Everything since then has been a blur. I tried everything to just feel something. I would cut every day and smoke a pack of cigarettes every night. I hated myself so much. I was just in the worst place possible, and I thought that there was no way things could get better. But once my parents found out and went to get me help, things got better. I wasn't happy, but I was somewhere near it, and I forgave myself for walking away, even though sometimes I'm still angry with myself not staying to hear what my sister had to tell me. I could've saved her life, you know? But now I'm ready to make up for it and see her again._

_Kihyun, I love you. I never had the chance to tell you that, but I do. I'm so in love with you... You're everything I've ever wanted in a person and more. Our months together were the best I've ever had. I loved being around you. It was the happiest I've ever been, which I've told you before, remember? I wasn't lying. I really meant it. You made me feel different. You made me feel important and loved. I wanted to soak up the feeling so much, and I guess I got so twisted into you I was so caught off guard when I saw that list._

_I'm sorry everything is ending so shitty. I'm sorry that I stormed out like that that day. I'm sorry if you feel the same way and I'm leaving. But I just can't do this anymore. I've been waiting for so long to do this, and now that there's nothing to stay for, I guess it's just my time._

_I don't know how to end this. So, I just want to tell you to take care yourself, and I hope one day you'll find happiness and hold onto it forever. But I know you will._

_I love you,_

_Hoseok_

Kihyun's shaking, the sheet of paper to slipping from his fingertips before he's dashing out of the flat, forming his hand into a fist and pounding it on the door of Hoseok's apartment, hard. He's shouting at the wood as tears pour down his face and ringing the doorbell repeatedly with no answer. Kihyun doesn't care to bother with their stupid knock. He quickly scrambles to pull the key from underneath Hoseok's useless mat, unlocking the door and pushing it open to them man's living room in a frantic. His things are thrown everywhere. But Kihyun barely notices. He runs through every inch of Hoseok's place, screaming his name at the top of his lungs.

There's no sign of human life in the flat. Kihyun searches through every room, throwing things around like Hoseok might be hiding underneath all the broken things scattered across the floor, but they're empty. There's not even a sign of Ramyun.

Kihyun doesn't know how he thinks of it, but he's rushing out of the flat, flying up the staircase. He trips, scraping his arm on the concrete, but he just jumps back up in an instant, taking each step leading to the roof in a rush. And he thinks he'd be relieved if he was right, but he's not. His heart lurches at the silhouette at the other side, looking down at the ground below him. Kihyun slowly steps closer towards him, the older boy's sobs interrupting the silence settling over the city.

"Hoseok," Kihyun gently calls, deciding he's a good distance from behind him. Hoseok gasps, whipping his head around to face Kihyun, a bruise sprouting on his cheek, purple and massive. "You can't do this, hyung."

"You shouldn't be here," Hoseok whispers, tugging on the ends of long sleeves.

"Please don't jump, hyung. You're so much smarter than that."

"Just leave me alone, please," he begs. "I need to do this. Just let me do this, please."

"You know I'm not going to let that happen."

"Stop pretending that you care about me! Just fuck off!" Hoseok shouts.

"I'm not going anywhere unless you're coming with me," Kihyun tells him. "I've been missing you so much, Hoseok. Words can't even describe how broken I've felt without you."

"Stop," Hoseok begs in between sobs, "you're just lying to me."

"You can't leave me." Kihyun inches closer to him, gently locking his fingers around his wrist. "The world is shit, and it fucks everything up constantly, but that doesn't mean you stop trying. That doesn't mean you leave everything behind, that doesn't mean people don't care about you and that doesn't mean you're not all they have left."

"I don't mean anything to you, and I don't mean anything to anyone else."

"You mean everything to me," Kihyun tells him, voice desperate and pleading. "It was just a list. You have to believe me. Everything between us was real, I promise."

"Every guy says that."

"I'm not every other guy!" Kihyun snaps. "Can't you get that? You're so blinded by people giving up on you that you don't know there's someone that cares so much about you right in front of your eyes! I can't even breathe without you, hyung! This whole three weeks I've been feeling so broken and hurt without you with me!"

Hoseok just looks at him, breaths uneven as he thinks, tears spilling down his face, and that's when Kihyun notices it. The wetness underneath his sleeve, his stomach twisting as he hesitantly rolls the older boy's sleeve up to blood.

"I'm sorry," he whispers as Kihyun looks back up at him with tears shimmering in his eyes. "It's the only thing I could think to turn to. I'm so sorry."

Kihyun pulls the taller boy into him, running shaky fingers over Hoseok's pale cheeks.

"I missed you," Hoseok sobs into his neck. His arms wrap around him, tightly squeezing Kihyun torso. "That guy I was with," he mutters, pulling away and looking into his eyes. "I just wanted to feel something.  I wanted to feel loved again—"

"We don't have to talk about it," Kihyun mutters.

"No, I want to." Hoseok runs a hand over his face, wiping away the tears. "I made him leave before anything really happened, I promise. I realized that it wasn't just something I wanted. I wanted you, Kihyun-ah. When I told him that I wasn't feeling it anymore, he punched me in the face, and then left. I sat there, alone, and I just knew it was time for me to go. There seemed like there was no way any of this could get better. I was so ready."

"It's okay," Kihyun reassures him, kissing his hair, kissing his forehead, and kissing his lips. "You're okay now."

Kihyun nods, and then they both sit on the roof, the older boy pressed to Kihyun's chest, silently crying, as they look up at the stars twinkling brightly in the dark sky. Kihyun holds him tightly, pressing soft kisses to his face and whispering sweet nothings in his ear. The fear of never having Hoseok around still churning in his stomach. He'd already lost one of the most important people in his life, he couldn't imagine losing another one.

"Don't ever think no one cares about you, okay?" Kihyun says. "You do not understand how much I care about you. When I read the letter I could barely breathe. The thought of losing you, hyung, could've killed me. I was already hurt without you there with me, but knowing that there'd be no trace of you whatsoever hurts so badly. Just, ugh, just please."

"I'm sorry," Hoseok whispers. "It was so stupid, I know. I just wasn't thinking. I wanted to take the easy way out."

"It's okay." Kihyun presses a kiss to his lips. "I'm never going to let you slip away ever again."

They both lie there, soaking in the moment of being together. Kihyun kisses his temple and rocks the two of them back and forth, just wanting to take advantage of every second Hoseok in his arms. He never felt so terrified before. He never felt his heart beat so fast and his stomach hurt so badly. It's not until then Kihyun realizes he loves Hoseok so much. He's in love with him. He wants to be with him forever, and even after that.

He sucks in a breath, his arms tightening onto Hoseok's body, his eyes glued to the sky, and then he sings. His voice fills the silence of the night, soft and unsure, trying to find the comfortable ranges and tones in his voice again, but then he's letting the world disappear and his heart pour into his voice, silencing the cars on the street, dimming the lights of the city. 

Hoseok nudges his nose against Kihyun's cheek and just breathes him in, and Kihyun feels as if his voice is seeping into him, becoming a part of him. He pulls his eyes to Hoseok, softly singing with his lips grazing Hoseok's. The dark sky is lighting behind him, the sun peeking up from behind the trees as the world's ceiling is painted with orange and pink. "

"Look," Hoseok whispers as the younger boy's voice softens, fading into the morning, "a new day."

Kihyun smiles, slipping his fingers into Hoseok's palm, and then they're falling asleep underneath the brightening sky, fingers entwined as the reshaped world fully begins itself, only seconds away from becoming brand new.  
. . .

_Say I love you_

The wind's blowing, rustling through the trees and running through Kihyun's hair as he makes his way through the rows of gravestones, a bouquet of chrysanthemums in shaky hands. A vehicle speeds past the fenced area, slicing through the silence. All Kihyun's surroundings are unfamiliar, but he knows where he's headed. Footsteps slow and hesitant as if they're aimless. Kihyun's chest tightens as he nears the stone, and from the short distance his eyesight can make out the words engraved on it.

_Lee Min Hyuk_

Kihyun approaches the gravestone, sucking in a deep, shaky breath of air and lowering down onto his knees. At first he just sits there, the white flowers pressed to his chest before his lips are moving, somehow forming into words. "Hey, Minhyuk-ah," he mutters, teeth chewing at pink-bitten lips, "I miss you a lot. I've been missing you ever since you left. The world is so different—grayer—without you, my other half. You cross my mind every single day, and sometimes it hurts, but I'm getting better with reliving the happy moments between us together. I've been hurting for so long, and I've been looking for ways to take away all this sadness, but now I've realized all this grief is something that's forever going to be a part of me. You were my friend—you still are my friend, and it's always going to hurt that you're gone, it's always going to hurt that I could've prevented you from being gone, but I can't change that.

"I've been trying so hard to forgive myself for dragging you to that party, for pressuring you to drink, for helping you into the car without strapping you in your seat belt, and it's hard to not hate myself for it, but I'm trying at least. Therapy really helps, and I'm getting help for my drinking problem. So far I've been sober for two weeks, and it's hell, but Hyungwon's really helping me. Surprising, right" He laughs, sniffing and brushing a the tears falling from his eyes. "He helped me get rid of all the alcohol in the flat and he drops by nearly everyday to see how I'm doing. I'm really thankful for him. I'm trying my best to treat him like how I was never able to treat you.

"I have something for you, by the way. Something I wrote to you when I just missed you so much. It's embarrassing, but I want you to hear it anyway." He pulls a sheet of paper from his pocket and unfolds the square with one hand, smoothing it out over his lap. "So, here it goes..." Kihyun clears his throat, scanning his eyes over the words he'd written months ago. "Minhyuk-ah, there doesn't seem to be any words I can think of to say that can describe the pain I feel right now. I'm still wondering if any of this is real. When I woke up in the hospital, you were the first person to cross my mind. I was scared—my worst nightmare had come true. I didn't know how I could live without you. You held me together when I was faltering. I was crumbling to ashes and somehow you revived me and you tried your best to help me be okay. You moved in with me, you tried to help me become a better me. I'm sorry if I let you down...

I never knew true friends existed until I met you. I'm so used to people not caring what happens to me. I'm so used to people giving up on me and forgetting about me, but you cared. You loved me and you cared, and I'm so glad I had the chance to be a part of your life." He sniffs, tears dripping down his cheeks. "I'm sorry, I promised myself not to cry."

Bringing his wrist to his face, he wipes away the tears, breaths uneven as he continues: "You're always going to be a part of my world. I'm never going to forget how hard you tried to help me be someone. I'm never going to forget the times you've stayed up until morning with me drunk and crying before leaving to classes thirty minutes later, and I'm never going to forget that time you secretly told that guy off that dump me with no explanation and had him apologizing to me the next day." He laughs through his tears. "I wish I had the chance to be better to you, Minhyuk-ah. Since the first day I met you, I knew you were a different person from every other friend I've had, and I'm sorry that I could never properly show how much you meant to me.

"But I'm always going to have you in my heart. Your soul will never erase from this world, and it will never erase from my mind. When I'm old and gray, I'll still think of the one person that saved my life, the one person who's the only reason why I'm still living. I don't know how I'll ever be able to repay you, but I'll spend the rest of my life trying."

He's sobbing, shaky hands folding the sheet of paper and pushing it into his pocket. "I know, it sucks, but I tried at least."

Wiping his face dry, he deeply inhales, reading Minhyuk's name engraved on the gravestone with glassy eyes. He just sits there, thinking of his friend and everything about him until the sky becomes a little darker.

"I should probably get going now," he informs the gravestone. "I have a date with Hoseok. We're starting our relationship over after our little break. We decided to breathe for a bit and try to concentrate on fixing ourselves, because in reality, we're the only ones who have the power to do it, yeah? I'll come back next month, I promise. I love you, Minhyuk. I love you so much. I hope you're proud of me."

Kihyun pulls another sheet of paper from his pocket along with a black permanent marker and unfolding it with shaky hands. His blurry vision scans over all the dares before he's marking out the last line, officially completing the list Minhyuk had written for him. A soft smile tugs on quivering lips as he thinks over everything the dares had done for him. With such simple things, it was the happiest Kihyun had ever felt in twenty-three years. He realizes, sometimes you can miss a lot when you're trying to look for life. Maybe sometimes if you just wait for it to come to you, life can show you how you really get the most out of it.

Kihyun folds the list into a square, tying it to the bouquet of white chrysanthemums with an identical colored ribbon, before gently placing it on Minhyuk's stone. And as the cool wind picks up, blowing against Kihyun's face again and brushing past his ears, he likes to imagine it's Minhyuk and he's telling him  _I love you, too_.

**Author's Note:**

> yikes
> 
> i know when you’re cremated you don’t have a grave lol but i was an unknowing inkling at the time
> 
> hmu on my [tumblr](%E2%80%9Cnottechae.tumblr.com%E2%80%9D)


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